Today, I realized that my baby stops crying loudly whenever I turn on the vacuum cleaner. I'm either stuck with a fussy baby all day, or the roaring sound of a vacuum cleaner. FML

by superhero1043 / 05/14/2010 at 1:01am / United States (Nevada) / Kids

Today, after taking a pregnancy test and carefully disposing of all the evidence so no one would find out, I realized I left the receipt for it on the bathroom counter. I noticed too late as I watch my mom step out of the bathroom, and my step-father go in right after. FML

by Anonymous / 05/14/2010 at 12:33am / Canada (Alberta) / Health

Today, my best friend told me that she is only my friend because she is prettier than me and being my friend boost her confidence. FML

by fothermuckerrr / 05/14/2010 at 12:07am / United States (Tennessee) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was rushing to leave work and get home because I really had to use the bathroom. My cell phone rang and I thought it was my husband, so I answered by saying, "I really have to poop." Yep, not my husband. It was one of my employees, who has the same name. FML

by BigMouth McRedface / 05/13/2010 at 10:11pm / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, I saw a blond-haired guy crouched by my bike fiddling with something as I came back from the shop. Thinking he was a thief, I slammed him across the head with my helmet, knocked him over - then I realised not only was he a kid barely in his teens, he was tying his shoes. FML

by BikerBuddy / 05/13/2010 at 9:11pm / Kids

Today, I was reading a magazine while straightening my hair. I got really into this one article until suddenly a huge clump of hair fell on it. I looked up and realized I had burned through the layer of hair I was straightening, leaving me with one layer at ear length and the rest at bra length. FML

by errints234234 / 05/13/2010 at 7:31pm / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

Today, my friends and I had a long fun day at the river. That was until sundown. I now have mosquito bites in places you don't want to know. FML

by Alicia / 05/13/2010 at 6:49pm / United States (California) / Animals

Today, I accidentally rear-ended an undercover police car. FML

by shit / 05/13/2010 at 5:00pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Transportation

Today, I found out the reason I've been itchy for the last two weeks is because I'm now allergic to chlorine. I'm also a swimming instructor. FML

by Dfacta / 05/13/2010 at 1:51pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, I was one of five people called up to the front in class to receive a special notice from the school administration. The first four people received awards for outstanding effort in school. Mine was a notice that I had overdue library fines. FML

by leftout / 05/13/2010 at 3:39am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom decided our whole family is going on a diet. Why? Because the vet told us our dog is overweight, and she "didn't want Twix to suffer alone." FML

by fatpooch / 05/13/2010 at 2:01am / Canada (British Columbia) / Health

Today, I came home after ten hours at work to find my unemployed wife and 4 kids sprawled out watching TV waiting for me to get home and cook for them. I had to wash all the dishes first because they didn't feel like getting up or helping. FML

by justkillm3 / 05/13/2010 at 12:07am / United States (North Carolina) / Work

foolishworkerbee's comment : Grow a pair and tell them to take some responsibility.

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Today, I received an award from my school rewarding me for my honor roll and my cheerleading. When I brought the certificate home my mom congratulated me and hugged me. I worked really hard for this and all my dad had to say was, "Try this flavor of Doritos." FML

by honorstudent / 05/12/2010 at 10:18pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous