Today, I was getting ready for my first day at work. Right before leaving the house I decided to brush my teeth thoroughly one more time to have a fresh breath. While cleaning my tongue I went too far which made me throw up. I was 20 min late for my work. Good start. FML

by Sergie / 06/04/2010 at 5:28am / Ireland (Dublin) / Work

Today, I work at a pizza place and one of my jobs is to spoon crushed red pepper into bags. After I finished this, without thinking to wash my hands first, I used the bathroom. It still burns. FML

by firecrotch / 06/04/2010 at 1:36am / United States (Illinois) / Work

Today, I was texting my crush. I tried to say, "I need a nap," but my iPhone changed it to "I need anal." I sent it. FML

by Allie / 06/03/2010 at 2:58pm / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, I had to sit and listen to the guy in the next cube brag to his wife about the promotion he just received. The promotion my boss told me last week that I was going to get. FML

by Greg / 06/03/2010 at 11:45am / United States / Work

Today, I found out my boyfriend keeps a gun under his pillow. This was only after my friends and I surprised him with his birthday cake while he was sleeping. FML

by Anonymous / 06/03/2010 at 8:23am / United Kingdom / Love

Today, after staying at my boyfriend's house for the first time, I got in the shower. His bathroom door doesn't lock, so half way through my shower he walked in. Trying to be sexy, I pressed myself up against the glass, which turned out the be a door that opens outwards. I fell on the floor. FML

by elevenharries / 06/03/2010 at 4:54am / United Kingdom / Intimacy

Today, I spent some time in a sun-bed to prepare myself for a very special reunion with my boyfriend, who I haven't seen in 6 months. I hope he likes crispy red butt-cheeks, and I wonder whether they will start peeling before or after he returns. FML

by Aiaiii / 06/03/2010 at 3:55am / Germany (Niedersachsen) / Health

Today, my husband decided he will be a 'stay at home' dad. We have two cats. No kids. FML

by Kate / 06/03/2010 at 3:44am / United States (Arizona) / Animals

Today, my boyfriend finally called me after a week of barely any communication. He wanted to talk to my brother about Call of Duty. FML

by sincerely / 06/03/2010 at 12:47am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I was excited about showing everyone at work my new piercing. It's in an interesting place in my ear, and its not that common. Before I had the chance to tell anyone about it, someone asked "Are you wearing a hearing aid?" FML

by Kbizz / 06/02/2010 at 10:12pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Health

Today, I got a huge bill through the post. It turns out that my elderly mother made the vet come out to my house to see the dog while I was out, because she was scared of the little growths she had found on his body. They were nipples. FML

by dogshavenipples / 06/02/2010 at 7:15pm / United Kingdom (Hampshire) / Money

Today, my grandmother bought a Shakeweight, an exercise tool which, basically, simulates a hand-job to tone arm fat. I get to watch my Grandmother do this motion for 6 minutes every day. FML

by GrandmaShakers / 06/02/2010 at 7:00pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I got married. My new husband wanted to carry me over the threshold of our apartment, but he couldn't pick me up. FML

by Official_Person / 06/02/2010 at 5:31pm / United States (Illinois) / Health