Today, while working at the bakery, I slipped on a pen. I dropped the pie rack I was holding full of pies right on my face. I now have a burn mark on my cheek that looks like a swastika. FML

by hannahj88 / 10/16/2010 at 12:41am / Australia / Work

Today, my perfectly sane and healthy 90 year old grandmother had a heart to heart with me. She told me she'd pay for a boob job. When I asked why, she said, "Sweetie, you'll never attract someone with those tiny suckers." FML

by Anonymous / 10/16/2010 at 12:17am / United States (Utah) / Miscellaneous

Today, I discovered my wife has had more sex in the last two months than I've had in the last year. FML

by Shooter71 / 10/16/2010 at 12:09am / Intimacy

Today, I got grounded because I didn't go to my dog's birthday party. FML

by jacky tu / 10/15/2010 at 11:06pm / United States (California) / Animals

Today, it's my birthday. My dad was supposed to take me to get a tattoo, but instead he went to the bar, got drunk, and told me how I was the biggest mistake he and my mom have ever made. FML

by Anonymous / 10/15/2010 at 10:00pm / United States (Nebraska) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was told I look like Susan Boyle. FML

by Anonymous / 10/15/2010 at 7:44pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to class with my bag packed for a weekend trip when it began to vibrate violently. Stopping mid-lecture, the professor approached me and asked politely if I could turn off my cell phone as I was disturbing the other 150 pupils in the class. It was my personal vibrator. FML

by Anonymous / 10/15/2010 at 7:01pm / Canada (Saskatchewan) / Intimacy

Today, my mother gave me an early Christmas present; a Bissell mop so I can "do a better job" when I "clean her floors". FML

by Anonymous / 10/15/2010 at 6:52pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I realised my dad speaks to me the same way he speaks to my dog when she's done something bad. FML

by Anonymous / 10/15/2010 at 3:35pm / United Kingdom / Animals

Today, my boyfriend informed me that since he's doing a project with a girl in his class and carpooling with her in the morning, she'll be sleeping over at his house. FML

by Anonymous / 10/15/2010 at 3:10pm / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, I texted my ex boyfriend that I still loved him. He texted back asking if this was some sort of booty call. FML

by Anonymous / 10/15/2010 at 1:15pm / Nepal / Intimacy

Today, I discovered my boyfriend's family approves of me, not because I'm friendly and intelligent, but because I'm an adequate addition to their gene pool. FML

by nick92 / 10/15/2010 at 12:40pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was the designated driver for my friend's 21st birthday. On the way home from the bar, he threw up all the pasta and tequila he'd had onto the back seat of my car, and told me it was part of his whole party plan. FML

by IhatebeingtheDD / 10/15/2010 at 10:08am / United States / Transportation