Today, I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for for his birthday in a couple of days. He replied "to be single" and walked out of the room. FML

by gutsforme / 08/11/2010 at 6:40am / New Zealand (Auckland) / Love

Today, it's the third day since my mum quit smoking, and I realised that her health-drive is having a negative effect on my own health when she bitch slapped me down the stairs because she didn't get a joke I told her. FML

by Thepunchline / 08/11/2010 at 5:19am / United Kingdom (Cheshire) / Health

Today, my boyfriend started talking to my breasts in public. As if that wasn't bad enough, he then started to jiggle them in his hands. FML

by KBL3 / 08/11/2010 at 5:16am / United States (Indiana) / Intimacy

Today, I had an elderly woman come up to me and tell me how well I pull off the look of being bald. She said that most women can't look attractive without hair. Then she asked me if I had cancer. I had to explain to her that I am, in fact, a man, and I shave my head because I'm a swimmer. FML

by Jayswizzle / 08/11/2010 at 4:10am / United States (Colorado) / Health

Today, I was dumped by my girlfriend due to our long distance relationship. She then agreed to date my best friend who lives in the same town as me. FML

by sadface / 08/11/2010 at 2:50am / United States / Love

Today, I had a fancy dinner date with a really hot guy. Near the end of our meal, he asked if I wanted to go back to his place. As soon as we walked in the door, he started a religious debate with his room mate. It's been 45 minutes and its still going. FML

by bitchasshonky / 08/11/2010 at 12:09am / Love

Today, I wanted to spend the day cleaning my room. My mom thinks that I was lying just to stay home, so she yelled at me to go to her shop. At the shop, she yelled at me for not being any help. When we got home she yelled at me for having a messy room. FML

by Anonymous / 08/10/2010 at 9:05pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that if you fall asleep in church, people will think you're having a spiritual moment, and you'll wake up to ten people praying for you. FML

by Zippermania9 / 08/10/2010 at 8:14pm / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was having it off with my boyfriend. He is the kind of guy that likes to keep things interesting. Just as he started climaxing, he began to meow. FML

by verno02 / 08/10/2010 at 7:58pm / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

Today, my mom was taking an online IQ test. To the question "On which continent is Canada located?" she responded "Antarctica." If intelligence is genetic, I'm screwed. FML

by Brandon / 08/10/2010 at 7:19pm / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was shopping at a store from which I had previously bought a shirt. The clerk accused me of trying to steal my own shirt and called security. They examined it and argued with me for so long I was late to work. FML

by Anonymous / 08/10/2010 at 5:34pm / United States (New York) / Work

Today, I woke up to find a tick stuck to my eyelashes. The only way I know of to get it off is with fire. FML

by Anonymous / 08/10/2010 at 12:34pm / United States (Minnesota) / Health

Today, we had our first rainstorm in weeks. Thirty seconds before it started, my window broke in the "down" position from overuse, since last week the air conditioning in my car gave out. Now I have a hot, wet car. FML

by Anonymous / 08/10/2010 at 12:27pm / United States (Georgia) / Transportation