Today, I was practising the violin in my apartment. A man knocked on the door and introduced himself with a smile, saying he wanted to know my "schedule." I replied, "I'm pretty busy but maybe we could get a drink sometime." To which he replied, "No, I just want to know when you'll stop." FML

by holly / 07/18/2010 at 10:18am / Germany (Berlin) / Miscellaneous

Today, during an early morning preflight check, I spotted liquid pooling under the aircraft. I rubbed my fingers in it and sniffed. Good news? No dangerous fuel or hydraulic fluid leak. Bad news? My copilot was too lazy to walk back to the hangar to take a leak. FML

by Flyboy / 07/18/2010 at 1:02am / United States (California) / Work

Today, my best friend told me I lost weight. I was happy because I've worked hard to shed off those pounds. I asked her what changes were evident, she told me that I now have a neck. FML

by lalala / 07/18/2010 at 12:02am / Philippines (Manila) / Health

Today, while working at the bar, I was having a flawless night. Every pour was perfect, every shot expertly measured. I saw my manager for the first time that night, turned to greet him, and knocked over a tray of 30 or so glasses. Two remained unbroken. FML

by barman / 07/17/2010 at 4:51pm / Australia (Western Australia) / Work

Today, I was looking for a parking spot and finally found one. Trying to figure out if the spot was legal, I asked a cop that had pulled up. He said it was fine. I came back 3 hours later to a parking ticket. FML

by Anonymous / 07/17/2010 at 4:31pm / United States (Ohio) / Transportation

Today, my dad found my "list". 32 guys, 4 girls. Colour coded as to who I would sleep with again and who I wouldn't, who were virgins, etc. He complimented me on my "organizational skills." FML

by reckless / 07/17/2010 at 3:34pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Intimacy

JesseJaymz's comment : you color coordinating the STD's too? crabs can be red, syphilis green, and the clap can be yellow cause when i think of clapping i think happy.

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Today, I was brushing my teeth and shaving in the shower. My favorite song came on, and I got mixed up. My tongue and mouth are cut badly now. FML

by knighton16 / 07/17/2010 at 2:23pm / United States (Utah) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was outside when a mouse ran toward my feet. There was a wall behind me, so I tried to jump over him. He changed course, and I landed on him. It crunched. FML

by killer / 07/17/2010 at 10:54am / United States (Florida) / Animals

Today, the airport security guard told me to lift my fat rolls so he could finish patting me down. FML

by Anonymous / 07/17/2010 at 2:16am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Health

Today, I was driving with my girlfriend. As we turned onto our block, she shrieked that our dog was running down the street and into traffic. I jumped out of the moving car and chased him for about a mile, only to give up, go home, and find out it wasn't our dog. FML

by VtecKickIn / 07/17/2010 at 2:00am / United States / Animals

Today, I found out I've been incorrectly sorting thousands of papers for the past two weeks. My boss wanted them sorted by date, but the co-worker who instructed me said to sort them into alphabetical order just to watch me fail. FML

by MSURebel70 / 07/16/2010 at 7:48pm / United States (West Virginia) / Work

Today, I learned that my mom's laptop was originally my Christmas gift. She opened it and decided she liked it so much she should have it. I got hot rollers. FML

by Anonymous / 07/16/2010 at 7:43pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Geek

Today, my 23-year old boyfriend is not talking to me because I bought the regular kind of macaroni and cheese instead of the cartoon kind. FML

by liz / 07/16/2010 at 3:45pm / United States (California) / Love