Today, I kissed my girlfriend. She threw up in my mouth. FML

by Anonymous / 08/16/2010 at 4:20pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Love

Today, I went to a job interview. The person giving me my interview was late, and while waiting for them I fell asleep. When they arrived, they didn't even bother interviewing me because they thought I was irresponsible since I fell asleep because they were late. FML

by nocanhaz / 08/16/2010 at 1:17am / United States (New York) / Work

Today, for my mom's birthday, we went camping. At night, my mom and her boyfriend decided to have "Birthday Sex" because they thought everyone was asleep. Trying to not make it awkward for me and my friend that I brought along, I kept still. Soon, I heard my friend going to town on herself. FML

by Anonymous / 08/16/2010 at 1:14am / United States (Idaho) / Intimacy

xX_LilSammie_Xx's comment : that's hot.

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Today, my friends were all sharing sweet things their boyfriends had shared with them. After hearing "he says I look pretty without makeup" or "he promises we'll get married one day", I realized that the only compliment he's given me is that my laughter "sounds like a squirrel having a seizure." FML

by 86145 / 08/16/2010 at 1:03am / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I met my recently divorced mother's new boyfriend. He is missing teeth and has long hair and a mangy beard. Horrified, I left the room, only to hear my mother telling my sister, "The sex is phenomenal!" FML

by Anonymous / 08/16/2010 at 12:11am / United States (Colorado) / Intimacy

Today, I realized that that tingly feeling on my face when I put a new combination of acne wash, acne medication, and my usual moisturizer on was not, in fact, "it working." It was slowly peeling away the top layer of skin. I look and feel sunburned. I also still have acne and oily skin. FML

by Tingly / 08/15/2010 at 11:12pm / United States / Health

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, right after I turned down an amazing job opportunity in another location, just so I could be with him. FML

by crystalpistol / 08/15/2010 at 10:15pm / United States (Washington) / Love

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend due to the fact that she's been cheating on me with my best friend for the past year. She said I was overreacting, and to grow a pair. FML

by Anthony / 08/15/2010 at 9:40pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Intimacy

Today, I was riding the subway when a beautiful topless girl walked into my car and sat directly in front of me. Then, the train stopped abruptly and I banged my head. The girl was gone and I realized it had all been a dream. Then I realized I was supposed to get off 17 stops ago. FML

by Peekaman / 08/15/2010 at 6:31pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, after already having a terrible day, I went to Starbucks for an espresso. Being nice, I put the last dollar I had in my wallet in their tip jar. While paying for my drink, my card was denied for insufficient funds. The world hates me. FML

by noespresso / 08/15/2010 at 4:20pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Money

Today, a wasp stung my nipple. Twice. The swelling makes it look like I'm growing a third breast. FML

by tammy / 08/15/2010 at 1:24pm / Animals

Today, to be nice, I baked cookies for my step-mom as a birthday present. I burnt my hand while putting them in the oven, but I'd hoped it would be worth it. When she got home, I gave one for her to try. She took a bite, spit it out, and threw it on the floor, asking if it was a joke or if I was really trying to poison her. FML

by shinee / 08/15/2010 at 12:05pm / Singapore / Health

Today, I witnessed a series of nude old people cycling in the city. I was eating. FML

by anonymous / 08/15/2010 at 9:12am / Netherlands (Gelderland) / Miscellaneous