Today, while working as security for a football game, I told a woman she wasn't allowed to bring her snickers bar into the stadium because no outside food was allowed in. She threw it at my face than tried to spit on me. I hate people. FML

by Anonymous / 11/17/2010 at 1:02pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Work

Today, my mother was over visiting. My three year old ran out of my room chasing the cat with his toy. He smacked the cat with it, the cat scratched him, he dropped it and ran away. I was busy with the baby so I asked my mom to take the toy away. She walked back holding my pink dildo. FML

by bottomdrawerraider / 11/17/2010 at 12:13pm / United States (Rhode Island) / Intimacy

Today, in the wee hours of the morning I decided to make a naked dash to the bathroom, unfortunately, my dad decided to do the same thing at the exact same time. FML

by mydadsawsooomuch / 11/17/2010 at 8:26am / United States (Kentucky) / Miscellaneous

Today, it was my first day back to work since having my first baby. To show I had caught up on everything, I had to give a presentation at the end of the day to the heads of my department. It went really well until the end, when one of them pointed out that breast-milk had been leaking through my clothes the entire time. FML

by mommy / 11/17/2010 at 7:09am / United Kingdom / Work

Today, I started an awesome job with competitive pay. I also found out that the place is closing its doors in June. FML

by Anonymous / 11/17/2010 at 5:58am / United States / Work

Today, I bought one of my favorite albums from when I was growing up. When I looked at the liner notes, I learned that my favorite song on the album wasn't about taking a bath, but about going to a brothel. My second-favorite isn't about moving, but about suicide. My childhood just shattered. FML

by nilssonfan / 11/17/2010 at 3:08am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I confessed to my best friend that I love him and always have. He whispered to himself, "Why do the fat chicks always want me?" FML

by Anonymous / 11/17/2010 at 3:03am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I was talking to my manager about a movie. She asked what main actors were in it, but the only one I could remember was Forest Whitaker. I told her then immediately blurted out "You know, the one with the freaky lazy eye." My manager has a lazy eye. FML

by workaholic / 11/17/2010 at 2:34am / Work

Today, a customer was rude to me, and I was rude back. He then asked for my manager, and I told him I was the store manager. He then identified himself as the corporate owner. FML

by T_Willl / 11/16/2010 at 10:43pm / Work

Today, I began training my replacement at work. She's a senior citizen. She got excited when I taught her how to highlight text on the screen and double-click the mouse because she "never knew how to do those fancy tricks." The job is entirely computer-based. I have to train her for 6 weeks. FML

by Anonymous / 11/16/2010 at 8:34pm / United States (Kentucky) / Work

Today, I went to the new gym I recently signed up for and started exercising in the men-filled weights room, despite being intimidated by them and the strange looks they were giving me. Workout over, I left the room and saw in front of me a door marked "Women's weights room". Oh. FML

by genderbender / 11/16/2010 at 8:21pm / Reserved / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend told me to Google how to last longer in bed. FML

by anonymous / 11/16/2010 at 5:43pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Intimacy

Today, was my first day at school. I got kicked out of the class for imitating a monkey. I wasn't imitating a monkey... I was laughing. FML

by Anonymous / 11/16/2010 at 2:17pm / Israel (HaDarom) / Miscellaneous