Today, to spice things up a bit my wife and I were having sex in our kitchen. She was up on the counter and I moved her over to get in a better position. The stove was still hot from dinner so now my wife has a burn that looks like a double rainbow on her ass. FML

by EffinAhole / 10/03/2010 at 12:27am / Intimacy

Today, my husband and I moved to get closer to his job. Today he got transferred 150 miles away from where we moved to. FML

by liz / 10/03/2010 at 12:00am / United States (West Virginia) / Love

Today, while I was going down on my girlfriend, she fell asleep. She said she was too tired to fake it. FML

by Anonymous / 10/02/2010 at 9:34pm / United States (Florida) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend wanted to prove how honest he is so he showed me numerous texts in his phone where he told other women he was in a relationship before asking them to sleep with him. FML

by Username / 10/02/2010 at 8:12pm / Love

Today, I picked up my four year old son from daycare. As I was putting him in his car seat, I asked him if he had fun. He yelled, "Shut it, bitch!" FML

by blah blah daddy / 10/02/2010 at 7:08pm / United States (California) / Kids

Today, I went to pick up my car from where I parked it last night. I walked over to my parking spot only to find a vegetable stand there in its place. Apparently, that's the location of the Saturday Market and they had my car towed. FML

by hunnybaby0319 / 10/02/2010 at 6:07pm / United States (New York) / Money

Today, I was visiting my boyfriend, who lives 2 hours away. After about twenty minutes of glorious sex, he told me in no uncertain terms that he was about to come. He then "baaa"d like a sheep as he came. I couldn't come after that. FML

by seriously / 10/02/2010 at 4:31pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, I went to Seattle with my mom to visit my pregnant sister, only to end up being dragged to a store to buy maternity clothes. The saleswoman apologized to me repeatedly for not having a lounge for the fathers, but congratulated me on the baby. I'm a girl. FML

by harvdog / 10/02/2010 at 3:43pm / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, the girl my ex-boyfriend cheated on me with had a job interview at my place of work. If she gets the job, she'll be my manager. FML

by help me! / 10/02/2010 at 10:26am / United Kingdom (London) / Work

Today, I was at the beach with my parents. They were walking hand in hand, when they spotted a crab. My Dad turned to my Mum and said "Oh, must've crawled out of my pubes!" they both laughed and kissed. I don't think they realized I was within hearing distance. FML

by Anonymous / 10/02/2010 at 9:12am / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend called me over for dinner. When I walked in the door, he asked why I was here; apparently he dialed the wrong girlfriend. FML

by Anonymous / 10/02/2010 at 9:04am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Love

Today, I got a perfect score on my French quiz, and I was told to have my mom sign it. What I didn't realize was that all the way at the bottom she wrote "Good Nathaly!" and "I love you!" surrounded by little hearts. The teacher hung it up anyway. FML

by lmaoLOSER / 10/02/2010 at 7:48am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I married the woman I love. I wasn't the groom, I was the minister. FML

by Pr unlucky / 10/02/2010 at 4:07am / Australia (Western Australia) / Love

Smyth's comment : aw man. that brought me down.

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