Today, I awoke to make-up all over my face and nail polish on my hands and feet because my daughter wanted "daddy to look pretty." I have a job interview in an hour and none of it is coming off. FML

by Anonymous / 04/27/2011 at 3:16pm / United States (Tennessee) / Work

Today, I learned the only job that actually wants me is as a peanut butter factory worker. I've been unemployed for 9 months. I'm also allergic to nuts. FML

by Anonymous / 04/26/2011 at 3:49am / United States (Massachusetts) / Work

Today, I was at the bakery I work at. A man came in to pick up a cake he said he ordered, but we could find neither the cake nor the order form. He yelled at me about being 'incompetent' before remembering that he had ordered the cake from a different bakery. FML

by Anonymous / 04/25/2011 at 6:38pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Work

Today, I moved to Florida because I have poor circulation and need to be in a warm environment. The first day at my new job, I discovered my co-worker is an overweight man who wears a wool suit every day, and insists on keeping the office chilled to 65 degrees. I can't feel my fingers or toes. FML

by lpspann87 / 04/25/2011 at 1:02pm / United States (Florida) / Work

Today, at work my boss told me I have been late, under-productive, and using up a lot of sick days. He says my job is on the line. My reason for barely showing up at work: I've been on maternity leave for 6 weeks. FML

by Aginsafa / 04/25/2011 at 7:41am / United States (California) / Work

Today, I asked a coworker if she would cover for me on Easter because I want to spend it with my 3 year old daughter. She said no because she wants to spend Easter with her kids, too. She doesn't have kids. FML

by Anonymous / 04/23/2011 at 4:54pm / United States / Work

Today, I have a new boss. She claims to be a professional Angry Birds player. FML

by Username / 04/22/2011 at 10:42am / Work

Today, the landlord of our building constructed a bathroom in the space under the stairs, outside my office, on the other side of a thin wall. He must have some kind of bowel disorder, because now I get to hear the sounds of his loud, wet and gassy pooping several times per day. FML

by op-poopy / 04/22/2011 at 10:26am / Canada (Ontario) / Work

Today, I watched a YouTube video at work because I was bored. I forgot I was on a conference call and my computer's desktop was shared with 15 other people. No one said anything till it ended. FML

by anonymous / 04/22/2011 at 1:20am / Work

Today, at work, we've just hired a new load of people. As an icebreaker, we were paired up randomly and told to learn about our partner so that we can introduce them to the group. I got matched up with someone I've worked with for 4 months. Mid-conversation, I blurted out "I don't know your name." FML

by Clueless / 04/21/2011 at 7:49pm / United States (Ohio) / Work

Today, a coworker introduced herself to me and told me she hopes I enjoy my new job. We've worked in the same building for two years. I say hello every time I see her. FML

by Forgetable / 04/21/2011 at 1:27am / United States (Colorado) / Work

Today, it's been 5 years I've been working for a man that won't admit he has Tourette's. He sits at his desk, twitching his head and hissing like a snake. He's also randomly said things like 'nipples', 'Jessica Simpson', 'potato peeler', etc. I feel like it's become my job to warn new employees. FML

by ShakeRattleHiss / 04/20/2011 at 11:25am / Canada (Ontario) / Work

Today, at work, I spent half an hour trying to convince an elderly customer that no, I wasn't a messenger sent by the devil to take her soul to hell. FML

by rawr / 04/20/2011 at 10:15am / Work