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Today, at work, I noticed a spider on a female co-worker's shirt. I gently brushed it off. She accused me of sexual harassment. FML

by bdawg923 / 04/11/2009 at 2:41pm / United States (New York) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I went to a cosmetic dentist and got a chip in my tooth filled in that I’d had since I was 7. I went out later and my friend jokingly hit my head against the table a few times to make fun of me showing off my teeth. He slipped. I fell. I now have 2 chipped teeth and a broken nose. FML

by Chip / 04/21/2009 at 6:51am / Australia (Victoria) / Health

Today, my brother thought he would take my key and steal my shoes from my football locker while I was at practice. What he didn't think about was him leaving my locker unlocked for the 3 hours of practice. Someone stole my iPod, my cell phone, my wallet, and all of my clothes. FML

by Anonymous / 09/12/2009 at 2:58am / United States (Oregon) / Kids

Today, it was my birthday. I asked my mom that instead of a present if she would make a donation to my favourite charity. She said that this wasn't a "proper" present for a 15-year-old girl. Instead she got me a kettle because "ours had broke and you make the most tea in the family." FML

by qwerty6 / 09/30/2009 at 2:17am / United Kingdom (London) / Miscellaneous

Today, I pulled a bee off of my friend's dog because we were worried he could be allergic. Of course I got stung, and of course the dog wasn't allergic. Turns out I am. FML

by boomstick / 09/25/2009 at 9:09am / United States (New York) / Health

Today, the door to my daughter's room became jammed and wouldn't open while she was in the room. Being resourceful, I grabbed my ladder and climbed up to her window, only to end up stuck in her window. I'm not sure what was worse, getting stuck, or being laughed at by my neighbors for a while. FML

by Chub / 10/27/2009 at 12:45am / United States (New York) / Kids

Today, I arrived in my dorm at 3 am to find my roommate passed out and a nauseating stench. While I was gone, he got drunk and puked all over the walls, carpet, and both beds. His inebriated attempt to clean up the mess consisted of smearing his vomit everywhere with my shower robe. FML

by Anonymous / 11/01/2009 at 6:33am / Germany (Berlin) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend of two years took me out to breakfast. So we were eating and he kept on staring at me like he was thinking of something really important. I thought he was going to say "I Love You". So I told him to "say it already". Turns out he was thinking of a way to dump me. FML

by Her / 11/06/2009 at 3:36pm / United States (Nevada) / Love

Today, I found out my neighbor ordered parking tickets for everyone on the block. My car was 4 inches into his driveway, but not obstructing his exit in any way. That didn't stop him from calling in, on a Sunday, at 8 AM, an 88 dollar ticket. He also left a note "Your parking sucks, love, Greg." FML

by notgreg / 11/10/2009 at 10:59am / United States (California) / Money

Today, my boyfriend had to be hospitalized to drain poison from a bad spider bite. His mom is convinced that he got it from my house and won't let him come over anymore. I suppose she's right, because guess who found a spider web under their bed today, along with 5 new spider bites? FML

by Anonymous / 01/02/2010 at 2:50am / United States (Arizona) / Health

Today, I found out that just because you're drunk, it doesn't make it okay to call your mother-in-law a fat slag. However, it does make it okay for your wife to knee you in the snow globes. FML

by mainlaw / 12/04/2009 at 12:33pm / Ireland (Wexford) / Love

Today, I picked the treadmill next to an old man so I could feel better about myself. He ran faster and longer than I did. FML

by Anonymous / 01/05/2010 at 3:16pm / United States (New York) / Health

Today, I walked outside, slipped, busted my head, and had to get 7 stitches. Turns out my son thought it would be funny to spray the sidewalk with water last night so it would freeze. He got a laugh, and I spent over $100 on the stitches. FML

by Anonymous / 02/03/2010 at 3:04pm / United States (Tennessee) / Miscellaneous