Today, as my boyfriend was about to go down on me, he held his breath and said, "I'm going in!" FML

By miiiiilk - / Sunday 5 December 2010 11:12 / United States

Today, I was pushed over and robbed in a parking lot by a man in an ugly Christmas sweater. When I looked up, I was too distracted by the sweater to even look at his face. FML

By Anonymous / Monday 2 January 2012 05:40 / United States

Today, my drunken mother woke up after having passed out and yelled at me for ditching school. It took half an hour to explain that it's 5:00, and I've already been to school. FML

By AnastasiyaNicholas / Saturday 18 February 2012 14:20 / United States

Today, it's day 9 of my honeymoon. It's also day 8 of my period and day 7 of food poisoning. FML

By Anonymous / Saturday 2 April 2016 19:47 / Canada - Vancouver

Today, I took the time to make myself look nice just so that the pizza guy would think I had a life. FML

By sunshine19217 / Tuesday 18 January 2011 23:07 / United States
By nerdygirl101 - / Saturday 13 March 2010 05:27 / United States

Today, I was on Craigslist looking for a new guitar. I found the diamond earrings and necklace set I gave to my girlfriend last year. She wants 50 bucks for them. FML

By Anonymous - / Wednesday 3 February 2010 00:12 / United States

Today, I went to my first day of work in over 2 years. As I approached the boss, he asked me what my name was. Turned out they hired the wrong person. FML

By Anonymous - / Tuesday 26 October 2010 00:22 / United States

Today, I went to the hospital in labor expecting a baby boy. I ended the day with identical twins, a baffled doctor, and a husband convinced that our sons can clone themselves. FML

By CutestBoysEver - / Tuesday 30 October 2012 01:30 / United States - Fruita

Today, my nurse girlfriend told me she's more attracted to the veins in my arm than any other part of me. FML

By veiny / Tuesday 21 April 2015 13:48 / United States - Kingsport
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