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Today, I learned that the only way for me to have a complete bowel movement is to blow my nose at the same time. However, I learned this while standing in my girlfriend's kitchen. FML

by achoo-plop / 11/29/2015 at 8:17pm / United States (Colorado) / Health

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to clean our apartment, and then we went out to grab a bite to eat. When we returned, I found a baby's sock in the middle of the floor. Neither of us have a baby, and nobody we know does either. Now I'm just waiting for the doll-themed nightmares tonight. FML

by Squeepy / 04/09/2016 at 11:45pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my mom needed coffee so I drove to Starbucks to get her some. She let me drive the Porsche, which has never happened. Upon coming home I picked the coffee up out of the cupholder so it wouldnt spill. My phone vibrated in my pocket, I spilled the coffee and crashed the car into the garage. FML

by cane / 03/05/2009 at 4:44pm / United States (North Carolina) / Transportation

Today, I went to the bagel shop down the street for breakfast, the same one I've been going to for over 6 months now. At the counter the same lil' cook guy who's served me over those same 6 months, looks at me and says, "Yes, Ms?". I'm a guy. FML

by dunnough / 01/14/2009 at 6:06am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, after months of daily migraines and doctor's visits, I've now been told that my "temporary" hearing loss has nothing to do with my migraines, nor is it temporary at all. FML

by make america date again / 02/10/2016 at 12:49pm / United States (Ohio) / Health

Today, a customer scared me for the sole purpose of watching my breasts jiggle when I jumped in surprise. I know because his head moved as they did, and he said, "Nice." before walking away. FML

by NotYourToy / 01/27/2016 at 2:59am / United States (New York) / Work

Today, my boss called me and asked why I haven't been showing up to work. I didn't show up because he fired me last week over the phone. Then he fired me again for not showing up to work. FML

by faeliality / 04/18/2016 at 4:39am / United States / Work

Today, I woke up on my mom's couch with a wicked hangover. I made a mad dash for the toilet but felt the wave coming after two steps. I grabbed a bag of trash next to the front door and showed it no mercy. After I'd recovered and cleaned up, Mom asked if I'd seen the bag with her tax materials. FML

by caramelkarma / 04/15/2009 at 3:47pm / United States (North Carolina) / Health

Today, while working as a barista, a customer asked me for "gluten free milk". When I told her that most milk is gluten free, she flew into a fit of rage and cussed me out for being a "cheeky bitch". My manager then lectured me about not being "patronising" to customers. FML

by Anonymous / 12/10/2015 at 12:29am / Australia (Western Australia) / Work

Today, I told a customer to have a nice day. Little did I know it'd make her have an emotional breakdown and nearly cause me to lose my job. FML

by Anonymous / 12/09/2015 at 10:22am / United States / Work

Today, I had to explain to someone in my class who Gandhi really was and that he was not a fictional goblin. FML

by anon / 12/17/2015 at 1:45pm / Miscellaneous

Today, I get home and there's a package waiting for me. I ordered something online 2 weeks ago for a girl I like. She's not available anymore. No refunds. FML

by Dudeman5000 / 01/21/2009 at 1:59am / Love

Today, I decided to take a well-deserved shower. When I let my hair down, twenty six cents fell onto the floor. I have no idea how they got there. FML

by kissandcontrol01 / 10/10/2015 at 12:22am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous