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Today, my mom needed coffee so I drove to Starbucks to get her some. She let me drive the Porsche, which has never happened. Upon coming home I picked the coffee up out of the cupholder so it wouldnt spill. My phone vibrated in my pocket, I spilled the coffee and crashed the car into the garage. FML

by cane / 03/05/2009 at 4:44pm / United States (North Carolina) / Transportation

Today, it's been a week since I flew down to stay with my long distance boyfriend. We went on long walks on the shore, under the stars, and had an unforgettable picnic viewing the sunset. I just now received a message of screenshots displaying him attempting to hook up with another girl. FML

by Nothing Special / 12/23/2015 at 1:54am / United States (Tennessee) / Love

Today, I was leaving my friends' apartment in my mom's car and I backed into a fire hydrant. I lied and told my mom it was a hit and run. So she called the apartment complex. They had me on video hitting the fire hydrant. FML

by why me?? / 08/07/2013 at 12:21am / United States (Nevada) / Miscellaneous

Today, my sister accused me of "leading on" her creepy best friend and said I should apologize to him for making him think he was going to get lucky. I haven't talked to the guy in over 5 years, except for one random encounter 2 days ago, where all I said was, "Hi, how have you been?" FML

by lisa / 11/29/2015 at 11:04am / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous

Today, I took my boyfriend to a family dinner. It went well, until my dad got drunk and started telling everyone about how "midgets" are assholes and are ruining America. FML

by FML / 09/04/2015 at 12:27pm / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was babysitting, playing hide and go seek. I tried to jump behind the armchair, but it tipped, and I hit my head into the wind chimes, ripped the curtain rod from the wall, and smashed my knee into the wall. I lay on the ground in agonizing pain as the little girl shouted, "I know where you are!" FML

by jessye1182 / 05/11/2012 at 7:16pm / United States (New York) / Kids

Today, I had my first job interview since graduating from university. The person who interviewed me informed me that not using my degree after two years practically makes it null and void. I guess instead of being a financial advisor at the company, I could always be a janitor there. FML

by OutOfWork.OutOfTime / 10/27/2015 at 9:34pm / United States (Tennessee) / Work

Today, I was so insecure, I got scared of what people might think of my fingers. FML

by Anonymous / 04/29/2012 at 8:23pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up early for work. Had my coffee, finished up a report and headed out of my house. Not only was the office closed today, but the silent alarm was on, which is triggered by a door opening even if you use a key. I was startled by the cops searching the building, ran, and got tazed. FML

by BryanTazed / 08/22/2015 at 8:21am / United States (Virginia) / Work

Today, I pulled out a book and my bookmark fell out. My crush picked it up and a weird look came across his face. I then realized I had used toilet paper. Now I'm the girl who reads while taking dumps. FML

by Cottagecheeseha / 08/20/2012 at 12:03am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. It was all going great until he decided to try talking dirty. His idea of this was moaning loudly, "Just what the pussy ordered" as he entered me. FML

by Anonymous / 01/19/2016 at 6:03am / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Intimacy

Today, I got excited about finishing up my laundry detergent and softener, because I could get new ones. FML

by TheVengefulGeek / 09/13/2015 at 5:28pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I had to walk three miles home from work. Both my parents were at home. The reason they wouldn't collect me is apparently because I've "gotten so fat, your grandma cried after she saw you". FML

by biscuit / 01/07/2011 at 12:46am / United Kingdom / Health