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Today, my son's first impression of our new neighborhood was to be yelled at by the first kid he tried to introduce himself to, because my son was on the edge of their lawn. Half-an-hour later, I got a lecture at the corner store, because the clerk thinks vaccinations caused my son's autism. FML

by ProudASDmom / 03/29/2016 at 10:39pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Kids

Today, my dog overturned and ate my trash, leaving coffee grounds and dog puke all over my floor. She also ate the broom. FML

by Anonymous / 10/11/2012 at 1:08am / United States (Texas) / Animals

Today, I woke up to the sound of my psycho ex trying to break down my apartment door. FML

by Anonymous / 12/31/2015 at 1:15pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, things heated up with the new guy I've been seeing for a couple of weeks, he kept saying things like "I want you so bad" and "it's going to take hours" to the point that I was so hot, I decided to go for it. Apparently he has "a problem sometimes" getting it up. FML

by unsatisfied / 01/31/2010 at 7:20pm / United States (Colorado) / Intimacy

Today, my girlfriend of 2 years texted me saying "I can't wait to f*ck later." I replied saying, "Couldn't we just spend time together?" Her response was, "What are you, a girl?" FML

by girly / 04/12/2012 at 12:06am / United States (Massachusetts) / Intimacy

Today, I was sent to a customer's house to switch out a washing machine. My boss had assured me that everything I'd need was already in the truck. Halfway there, I ran out of gas and I realized I didn't have the gas card. My boss says it's my fault. FML

by wowzers0889 / 04/28/2012 at 5:21pm / United States (New York) / Work

Today, I kissed my girlfriend for the first time. She recoiled in horror and asked if someone had taken a shit in my mouth. FML

by shitfaced / 09/18/2015 at 1:30pm / Netherlands (Zuid-Holland) / Love

Today, I tried buying alcohol for the first time. I have a baby face, so I had my ID ready. The store owner admitted that my ID looked real enough, but he wouldn't believe it wasn't just an elaborate fake. He very nearly called the cops on me. FML

by Anonymous / 12/11/2015 at 11:12pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, while at work, I was told by a man who had literally just gotten back from his mothers funeral to cheer up, I was depressing him. FML

by Anonymous / 03/14/2010 at 12:46am / United States (Vermont) / Work

Today, I got a call from a police department saying that if I didn't move my car from a store's parking lot within the next 15 minutes, they were going to tow it and charge me for the fee. I was at work and the reason I parked it there is because it started smoking and almost caught fire. FML

by ohemgee / 03/10/2010 at 10:03pm / United States (Arizona) / Transportation

Today, it's been a week since I flew down to stay with my long distance boyfriend. We went on long walks on the shore, under the stars, and had an unforgettable picnic viewing the sunset. I just now received a message of screenshots displaying him attempting to hook up with another girl. FML

by Nothing Special / 12/23/2015 at 1:54am / United States (Tennessee) / Love

Today, I was using a wooden toothpick to try to get at some food that was firmly lodged between my teeth. The toothpick broke and now I also have a splinter of wood jammed in there too. FML

by False_Stupidity / 12/06/2015 at 1:19pm / Australia (South Australia) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, in a training class, I got to see a picture of what can happen when a man does not wear a safety harness correctly. For those of you who are unaware, male body parts are easily severed by loose straps. I cannot un-see that picture. It wasn't even a harness safety class. FML

by recmonty / 05/16/2012 at 11:53pm / Canada (Saskatchewan) / Miscellaneous