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Today, it's the third week of my dad's midlife crisis. So far he's blown half my college fund pimping out his piece of shit car, keeps texting me meme pictures, and keeps yelling "Savage!" and "Recked!" any time my mom makes a joke at anyone's expense. FML

by Colin Jr. / 09/23/2015 at 9:24am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that the gnat infestation in my dorm room was not caused by the recent cool weather, but rather the rotten pear I found under my roommates bed. FML

by Anonymous / 03/09/2012 at 1:12pm / United States / Work

Today, I agreed to go on a date with this really nice guy. Halfway through the date he starts talking about his wife and kids. FML

by Lori / 11/04/2015 at 1:46pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Love

Today, some guy I don't know walked up to me and told me that he's determined to sleep with my girlfriend, then walked away while giving me the finger. I've never seen him before in my life. FML

by MystoganFT / 12/16/2015 at 9:55pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Intimacy

Today, my girlfriend and I went to the drive-in theater, planning to have some fun during the movie. We were pretty excited that no cars were parked near us. As soon as the movie started, a bus full of little kids pulled up next to us. FML

by bummerdood / 08/26/2012 at 12:15am / United States (Kansas) / Love

Today, after a busy afternoon taking care of the kids, I was feeling really down about only being a mom these days, and I was hoping my husband would make me feel better when he got off work. In the middle of cuddling, he called me "mom." FML

by Anonymous / 07/29/2012 at 4:34pm / United States (Rhode Island) / Love

Today, I was sitting in on a boring presentation at work. I yawned and shifted in my chair, accidentally sitting on my testicles. I shrieked in pain and spent the next five minutes choking back tears, while my boss told me to shut my mouth and stop fucking around. FML

by kevcng / 09/10/2012 at 5:20pm / United States / Work

Today, my brother called me a clueless idiot after I told him that odometers measure distance traveled, not a person's body odor. FML

by facepalm / 11/18/2015 at 10:42am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that "going for a meal and going out clubbing" for New Year's means me cooking for my mates and driving them to the pub. FML

by stonesober / 12/30/2009 at 8:32pm / United Kingdom (Coventry) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boss told me that the company will be hiring a programmer for our department. I had the idea for the position when we went over my 3-year career path last month, but it wasn't approved. I now get to look over résumés from other people applying for my dream job. FML

by Not a programmer yet / 09/01/2015 at 11:30am / United States (California) / Work

Today, my 50-something coworker followed through on his threat to file a defamation lawsuit against me. All because I jokingly said "pedo" after he bragged to everyone that his girlfriend is a smoking hot 19-year-old. FML

by Anownimous / 09/18/2015 at 3:51pm / United States (California) / Money

Today, within 20 minutes of waking up, my dad gave me a pained look and said: "Uhh, turns out your laptop isn't waterproof." FML

by shal4 / 11/27/2015 at 12:55pm / Money

Today, I took my driving test. Completing the test, we returned and parked at the testing facility. As my tester was complimenting me, I leaned down to wind my window up, catching my long hair in the window. Frantically thrashing, I put the car in drive and floored it into a concrete wall. FML

by Anonymous / 04/14/2009 at 1:17pm / United States (Illinois) / Transportation