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Today, after telling my young kids all about Santa, his reindeer and his sleigh, we saw him. Smoking a cigarette in the beat-up car next to ours at a red light. FML

by JessThompson / 12/05/2012 at 11:50am / Canada (Ontario) / Kids

Today, I was telling 3 classmates on Whatsapp about my depression. One of them told me to "nut up n grow a pear." Two hours after we mocked him for being an illiterate jackass, one of us has had our car tires knifed and another's house has been egged. I'm terrified of what will happen to me. FML

by Anonymous / 07/24/2015 at 1:59pm / Northern Mariana Islands / Health

Today, I found out the tattoo signifying my marriage turned out to be more permanent than the marriage itself. FML

by branded / 05/14/2009 at 3:57pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, I found out my mom took around $2,500 from my savings account to pay off my sister's college tuition. She recently flunked out of her studies and won't be returning to college anyway. FML

by FuckedOver / 01/14/2016 at 9:31am / United States (Texas) / Money

Today, I received the first compliment from the opposite sex that I've gotten in months, from an elderly, cross-dressing man in the parking lot of Goodwill. Apparently my clothes look like they'd be "exciting to try on." FML

by mishie1 / 02/21/2012 at 7:44am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I found an enormous raccoon in my backyard. After a couple of nasty scratches, I finally managed to capture the filthy animal. After calling animal control to relocate it, I waited for hours to learn that "relocating" actually means releasing it into my front yard 10 feet away. FML

by anonymous / 09/13/2012 at 2:02am / United States (California) / Animals

Today, I figured out why my doctor repeatedly warned me to keep regular bowel movements while I recover from childbirth. I now have an anal fissure. It's like giving birth all over again. FML

by Terri-Lynn / 05/30/2012 at 4:25pm / Canada (Alberta) / Health

Today, I found out that after three years of telling my boss our strategy wasn't going to work, that I was right - it didn't work. I also found out that because it didn't work, I lost my job. My boss still has his. FML

by Unemployed / 09/17/2015 at 3:14am / Work

Today, I was texting a friend of mine. She mentioned it was her dad's birthday. I typed "Tell him Happy Birthday for me!" and as I pressed send I remember her dad was dead. FML

by blind / 06/24/2009 at 8:11am / South Africa (Gauteng) / Miscellaneous

Today, it's the third week of my dad's midlife crisis. So far he's blown half my college fund pimping out his piece of shit car, keeps texting me meme pictures, and keeps yelling "Savage!" and "Recked!" any time my mom makes a joke at anyone's expense. FML

by Colin Jr. / 09/23/2015 at 9:24am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I brought a cute guy back from the bar to have sex. He was drunk, so he had trouble getting it up, and I said jokingly "you need to work on that". We fell asleep, and I woke up the next morning to him gone and a note that said "you need to work on not farting in your sleep". FML

by Screwed / 04/22/2009 at 1:46pm / United States (Mississippi) / Intimacy

Today, I found out that what I thought could be a life-threatening issue causing me chest pains was only because I over-obsessed about it. Now not only do I have social anxiety, but I get so anxious I can create fake illnesses. FML

by daybyday / 11/22/2011 at 3:08am / Australia / Health

Today, I got into a fight with my mom because she believes that my fiancé is "irresponsible" and "immature". I stormed out and drove back home. There, I walked in on my fiancé and his friends. They were in a heated and almost violent argument over which CSI is the best. The wedding's next month. FML

by It's CSI Miami / 06/24/2015 at 12:16am / United States (California) / Love