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Today, I was called a pervert. On a phone sex line. FML

#17857316
157 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17502) - you deserved it (52709)

On 09/28/2011 at 6:16pm - intimacy - by Hypocrisy (man) - United States (Florida)

Today, a resident went missing at our nursing home. When I found him, a man in a blue shirt and red pants, he started yelling at me in confusion. I just thought it was his alzheimers. When I brought him to my administrator, I was told the missing resident was wearing a red shirt and blue pants. Wrong guy. FML

#3933300
62 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17488) - you deserved it (36698)

On 07/21/2009 at 4:22pm - health - by torkx3 (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, I was escorted out of a grocery store for beating my boyfriend with a block of cheese. FML

Today, I got my cat stuffed after her death. I brought her home and set her down by my couch. I guess my dog thought it was a new chew toy. FML

#4060488
361 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17481) - you deserved it (71626)

On 07/26/2009 at 7:18pm - animals - by Fmycatslife (woman) - United States (Missouri)

Today, for my birthday, my family offered to take one of my friends to the movies with me. I had to pay a random person in my class to pose as a friend of mine, so that I wouldn't look pathetic in front of my parents. She forgot my name three times. They didn't buy it. FML

#19913768
146 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17479) - you deserved it (22282)

On 07/09/2012 at 7:44am - misc - by Nofriends (woman) - Australia (Victoria)

Today, I went down on my girlfriend after sharing a romantic moment. As I was licking, she giggled and said "You sound like a dog." Romance ruined. FML

#6687460
66 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17479) - you deserved it (3856)

On 12/09/2009 at 10:59pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Michigan)

Today, I walked in on my new puppy peeing on the carpet. The trainer had told me to punish her when she's bad by shaking a metal can of pennies at her, since the noise scares dogs. I shook it at her, and she responded by having explosive diarrhea all over the carpet in fright. FML

#19578544
172 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17475) - you deserved it (29912)

On 05/05/2012 at 7:07pm - animals - by doggone - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, my friend decided to pants me in the middle of the mall. I wasn't wearing underwear. FML

#7400225
187 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17472) - you deserved it (29093)

On 01/17/2010 at 2:59pm - misc - by Jac (woman) - United States (Ohio)

Today, I am studying abroad in Mexico and someone asked me what it's like to be from Minnesota. I responded in Spanish, in front of thirty people, what I thought translated to, "If you get cold, you can just put on a jacket." Apparently, what I thought meant "jacket" actually meant "masturbate". FML

#2562
70 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17468) - you deserved it (4430)

On 01/25/2009 at 7:06pm - misc - by Sally - United States (Minnesota)

Today, while traveling with my cat, I had a mini-freakout when I realized that I left his favorite toy in the hotel room. I'm a 30-year-old man. FML

#20030776
108 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17466) - you deserved it (8461)

On 08/19/2012 at 10:19pm - animals - by speshlk37 (man) - United States

Today, I found out my older brother put tanning lotion in the lotion I use to masturbate with. Now I have orange palms and an orange penis which won't go away for weeks. FML

#13278835
321 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17452) - you deserved it (41374)

On 10/01/2010 at 6:12pm - intimacy - by caughtorangehanded (man) - United States (Illinois)

Today, my professor, who was born without arms, asked somebody "need a hand?" There are over 300 students in that class and I was the only one laughing. FML

Today, I saw a psychiatrist for the first time. He asked me what had brought me there, so I said I needed to get over some issues. He told me to close my eyes and visualize myself constructing a bridge. I paid to get told to build a bridge in my mind's eye. FML

#19664202
104 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17439) - you deserved it (4301)

On 05/22/2012 at 7:54pm - health - by fml - Australia (New South Wales)



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