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Today, my girlfriend snuck up behind me to cover my eyes and play "guess who." The second her hands touched my face, I grabbed her, twisted her wrists, and kneed her to the floor out of instinct. FML

#4288
81 comments

I agree, your life sucks (13061) - you deserved it (22304)

On 01/31/2009 at 6:14pm - misc - by joe - United States (California)

Today, I was over at a friend's house feeding her cats while she was on vacation. After feeding the four of them, I found an extra cat under the sofa. Thinking it was an intruding stray, I kicked it out. She actually has 5 cats. FML

#20548954
127 comments

I agree, your life sucks (13060) - you deserved it (52269)

On 03/18/2013 at 5:17am - animals - by anonymous (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I went out to dinner. The waiter was pretty cute. He greets us, "Hi my name is... (long pause) Jordan." Thinking he was flirting, I quickly smart back, "Are you confused?" He says, "No actually, I have a stutter." FML

#1078771
97 comments

I agree, your life sucks (13059) - you deserved it (63427)

On 04/18/2009 at 2:53am - misc - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, I was horsing around after my big test. Someone punched me softly on my back. Figuring it was my friend, I turned around and did a roundhouse kick. It was my girlfriend. FML

#1012847
165 comments

I agree, your life sucks (13058) - you deserved it (74484)

On 04/16/2009 at 2:47am - misc - by filipinoclari808 (man) - United States (Hawaii)

Today, I was using a cream to remove the hair from my legs. After I was done, I went on the computer, and a few minutes later I noticed that the same hand I had the cream on was leaning on the side of my head. Now I have a huge bald spot and a party to go to later. FML

#4756593
118 comments

I agree, your life sucks (13055) - you deserved it (42471)

On 08/23/2009 at 6:39am - misc - by Akasunanokai (woman) - United States (New Jersey)

Today, I was fooling around with my husband on the bed. I was excited as he lifted my arms up in a seductive way, only to roll deodorant under my armpits. FML

#19337633
120 comments

I agree, your life sucks (13053) - you deserved it (33139)

On 03/24/2012 at 8:14am - intimacy - by SG - United States

Today, I showed my boyfriend the new tattoo of a butterfly that I'd gotten on my lower back. He said, "It looks like it's flying when your rolls jiggle." FML

#5688481
116 comments

I agree, your life sucks (13050) - you deserved it (37285)

On 10/06/2009 at 7:32pm - misc - by lovebigmacs (woman) - United States (Georgia)

Today, I won $50 on the lottery. On the subway home, I checked my pocket to see if the money was still there. A very professional man in a suit yelled, "Hey, that's mine!" I got several dirty glares. I'm such a pathetic wimp that I gave him the money. FML

#20497390
119 comments

I agree, your life sucks (13049) - you deserved it (50443)

On 02/07/2013 at 7:28pm - money - by Anonymous (man) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I told my mom I want to try out for American Idol. She responded with, "You don't take disappointment well." FML

#59071
24 comments

I agree, your life sucks (13047) - you deserved it (26489)

On 02/17/2009 at 2:01am - misc - by abbyleigh08 (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, my daughter-in-law taught my 4-year-old grandson to burst into tears and yell, "Am I not good enough for you?" whenever I ask her if she's going to have any more children. FML

#18254436
210 comments

I agree, your life sucks (13047) - you deserved it (57963)

On 11/15/2011 at 10:16am - kids - by Margo (woman) - United States (Connecticut)

Today, my mother was digging up our Halloween decorations, and found the Christmas decorations as well. She's shoddily decorated the house already in half-Halloween and half-Christmas style to save time. I guess we'll be celebrating Christmasween for the rest of the year. FML

#20103809
90 comments

I agree, your life sucks (13047) - you deserved it (1932)

On 10/06/2012 at 1:57am - misc - by Joey - United States (Nevada)

Today, it was boiling hot so my boyfriend and I decided to sunbathe in the garden and ended up falling asleep for a few hours. Not only is my back so burnt that I can't lie down, I also have a white hand print on my upper back where my boyfriend had left his arm while we slept. FML

#3394819
114 comments

I agree, your life sucks (13043) - you deserved it (41392)

On 07/01/2009 at 1:04pm - misc - by Beccarr - United Kingdom (Wokingham)

Today, I was babysitting my boss' kids. I brought chocolate for them and the youngest said he had never had chocolate and didn't want any. I told him he should always try new things and should eat it. He did. He's allergic. FML

#5564554
106 comments

I agree, your life sucks (13041) - you deserved it (37448)

On 09/30/2009 at 11:39am - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Ohio)



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