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Today, I had a dream where I was having the best sex of my life. With Donald Trump. My boyfriend hasn't stopped laughing. FML

by whatthefuck / 12/27/2015 at 6:22pm / United States (Utah) / Intimacy

Today, my husband and I were getting frisky. All was going well until I decided to go down on him, causing him to freak out, thinking I was going for his butt, ending the night with a black eye from being knee'd in the face. FML

by Anonymous / 01/04/2016 at 1:59am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, we received a wedding invitation from a couple who are renting an apartment from us. They haven't paid rent for several months. My father is listed as the "principal sponsor." FML

by moronicmoroccan / 01/23/2009 at 5:16am / Philippines (Rizal) / Money

Today, I was opening up to my close friend about my low self esteem. To make me feel better, he told me that he gets a boner whenever he walks behind me. FML

by anonymous / 11/27/2009 at 4:20am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I received frantic calls and messages from my husband wondering where I was and if I was cheating on him. I was in the same house as him. FML

by Katie / 10/09/2012 at 1:42am / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, my neighborhood had its annual summer barbecue, and I ended up showing a little boy who lives down the street how to hit a baseball. When I gave him back his bat so he could try for himself, he swung it into my shin and yelled, "Tag! You're it!" FML

by bcoper / 06/25/2012 at 12:09pm / Switzerland (Luzern) / Kids

Today, I found out my girlfriend and her best friend compare the dumps they take to common transportation. They comment about it on each others facebook page. My girlfriend's last one was apparently a 'coach bus'. FML

by poops / 01/26/2010 at 10:14pm / United States / Health

Today, my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend bumped into me at McDonald's. I was sitting alone at a table with a big mac, two large fries, a large drink and 1 case of chicken nuggets. FML

by tammy999 / 01/31/2010 at 1:44am / United States (Georgia) / Love

Today, my dog and I were sitting on the couch. I went to the bathroom, came back, and saw him walk over the remote, which caused the TV to change to the Hustler channel, just a few moments before my girlfriend walked through the door. FML

by Sam l. / 11/10/2012 at 1:51am / United States / Animals

Today, I was sitting next to the guy I am trying to get close to while we were at the bar. Music was playing, so I thought that while his attention was diverted I would sneak out a yawn. Just as I did so, the music went silent and I let out a tremendous burp. FML

by beriles / 01/15/2010 at 12:25am / United States (North Carolina) / Love

Today, I went to Walmart with my Dad, and he decided to kick me in the butt while I was walking. When I went to kick him back, I hit my own leg out from beneath myself and landed on my face. The most embarrassing thing was that the people who saw all started clapping. FML

by Krystyn Gareau / 09/09/2011 at 12:10am / Canada (Saskatchewan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went on a blind date. He took one look at me and said, "Well, we might as well get a drink anyway." FML

by dateless / 09/21/2012 at 7:48am / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Love

Today, I got a job babysitting two really sweet kids. When their parents left, they told me that their cat had died. I told them how sorry I was, to which one of them replied, "That's okay. We still have him in a box. Wanna see?" FML

by Jessica / 10/18/2012 at 9:57pm / United States / Kids