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Today, I injured myself in the geekiest way possible; I managed to crush my nipple while closing my laptop. FML

by Display / 09/27/2012 at 12:10am / Health

Today, my husband changed the voice on my car's GPS to Mr T's. I don't know how to change it back. I've been saying, "I pity the fool" over and over again ever since. FML

by annoyed / 12/14/2011 at 9:06am / United States (Texas) / Transportation

Today, the nicest present I received for my 18th birthday was a free razor in the mail. It was then stolen by my mom. FML

by ezrocks4u / 09/20/2015 at 9:58am / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, the only one that became aroused while looking at me in my sexy Halloween costume was my dog. FML

by Shelly / 10/30/2010 at 2:09pm / United States (Florida) / Intimacy

Today, as I left my house, the front door slammed shut behind me, causing an entire roof-length of snow to slide over the edge and land directly on my head. FML

by snowball / 12/29/2010 at 6:32pm / Switzerland (Zurich) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was cleaning the windows at work and a guy walked in so I opened the door for him. After I opened the door, he stood there with his eyes closed and his arms open. I thought he wanted a hug so I hugged him. Apparently he wanted me to spray him with Windex. FML

by Kait / 04/05/2012 at 12:13am / United States / Work

Today, I was at work as a lifeguard. The temperature was absolutely stifling, but I tried to tough it out. A couple of hours into my shift, I passed out, fell off my stand, and crashed into the water. Or so the medics tell me. FML

by Soap0015 / 08/16/2012 at 5:57am / United States / Work

Today, I complained about being bored to death on Facebook. Someone took it as a suicide threat and called the police. They showed up at my apartment and my workplace. FML

by Nucleus / 10/08/2015 at 9:48am / Sweden (Stockholms Lan) / Health

Today, I had to bail my son out of jail, because he's a pansy and wouldn't last a night in there. His crime: pissing through the open windows of passing cars after losing a bet with his friends. I feel like if he gave me grandkids, they'd be born with half a brain. FML

by Anonymous / 10/17/2015 at 7:41am / United States (Virginia) / Kids

Today, a woman left our first date just because I didn't like the same character as her on a TV show. FML

by anonymous / 07/14/2015 at 1:28pm / United States (Mississippi) / Love

Today, I set my alarm half-an-hour earlier so I could masturbate. That's how horny and single I am. FML

by desperate905 / 02/21/2012 at 3:10am / Netherlands (Noord-Holland) / Intimacy

Today, after our old roommate left because he was too dirty for us to live with anymore, we found out that our new roommate has "borrowed" our shampoo, towel, toilet paper, liquor, without replacing them. I wish we still only had to clean up. FML

by upset room mate / 08/18/2011 at 2:59am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, my husband and I were getting frisky. All was going well until I decided to go down on him, causing him to freak out, thinking I was going for his butt, ending the night with a black eye from being knee'd in the face. FML

by Anonymous / 01/04/2016 at 1:59am / United States (California) / Intimacy