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Today, my roommate revealed that the reason he's so grumpy is because he hasn't gotten laid in a year. I'm his only female friend, and the entire time he talked to me, he stared at my chest. FML

by Anonymous / 10/20/2009 at 11:42pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I have such bad diarrhea that every time I sneeze I poop. I've discovered it's very hard to run to the bathroom every time I feel the urge to sneeze. FML

by monkers / 10/06/2012 at 3:12am / Canada (Alberta) / Health

Today, I found out my mother drives my car. I was okay with it; I don't use it all the time and she's my mother. However, I was not okay with the multiple speeding tickets that came through in the post. "You're the registered keeper, so why should I pay?" FML

by NowBroke / 04/04/2016 at 5:38am / United Kingdom (Wiltshire) / Transportation

Today, I organized a party, invited a girl I've been secretly in love with for years, as well as a friend of mine who brought along an unknown mate of his. The party was fine, although the unknown mate threw up all over the floor. Now, the girl is dating that unknown mate and is in love with him. FML

by bbns / 01/14/2009 at 6:57am / Germany (Hessen) / Love

Today, I complained about being bored to death on Facebook. Someone took it as a suicide threat and called the police. They showed up at my apartment and my workplace. FML

by Nucleus / 10/08/2015 at 9:48am / Sweden (Stockholms Lan) / Health

Today, I found out that my 'girlfriend', who I've been emailing with, was really my friend playing a prank on me. He asked me for naked pictures of myself and I sent them to him. FML

by Paco4242 / 06/12/2009 at 9:47pm / United States (Colorado) / Love

Today, I'm driving cross-country with my parents. As if the stifling heat isn't bad enough, they keep stopping to admire, comment on, and practically do a photoshoot in every corn field we pass. FML

by gabby / 06/16/2012 at 4:36pm / United States / Holidays

Today, I was walking down the street, when I saw a guy in front of me trip and fall forwards, and I quickly jumped forward to steady him. Apparently he thought he was being mugged, and threw his head backwards into my face, leaving my nose a bloody mess. FML

by shalara / 06/15/2012 at 4:23pm / Netherlands (Noord-Holland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I drove 45 minutes to take my full driver's test. At the end of the test, the instructor told me I'd done everything perfectly, but had failed before I left the parking lot. I didn't see the "one way" sign at the entrance. FML

by unlicensed / 08/01/2012 at 12:20pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was directing a video shoot of a big Christmas show with 750 people attending. After the first half of the show recorded; during intermission, I accidentally deleted the show as people were signing up to buy the DVD. FML

by kermudgen / 12/06/2010 at 12:00am / United States / Work

Today, I learned how it feels to sneeze after having major spinal surgery when the pain medication has almost completely worn off. FML

by Anonymous / 01/13/2016 at 11:13am / United States (Illinois) / Health

Today, I found out that a family member found a publisher for his book; his badly written, terribly sourced, historically inaccurate book that insults and misrepresents most world cultures and religions. If this actually makes it to print, I'll never be able to use my maiden name again. FML

by AmatureLitCritic / 05/14/2012 at 3:37am / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was talking to an art critic at an exhibition. He told me that the artist had no talent and went on to tell me everything wrong with each painting. I'd painted them all. FML

by the bad artist / 09/09/2012 at 8:12pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Work