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Today, I put aftershave on my fingers to encourage myself to stop biting my nails. I absentmindedly rubbed my eye a few minutes later. It burnt like hell. FML

#15102552
60 comments

I agree, your life sucks (11138) - you deserved it (31532)

On 02/24/2011 at 2:32pm - health - by Steve - United States (California)

Today, while on the phone with my boyfriend, I really needed to poop. Badly. He was in the middle of telling a story, so I figured I could get away with muting the phone while on the toilet. Halfway through, he suddenly went silent. I forgot to mute the phone. FML

#18060415
128 comments

I agree, your life sucks (11137) - you deserved it (39681)

On 10/24/2011 at 1:04am - love - by ShitHappens - United States

Today, I was on the plane asleep. I woke up after feeling the plane jolt and I screamed at the top of my lungs. The little girl next to me told me I was a sissy. Everyone on the plane laughed. FML

#14494706
53 comments

I agree, your life sucks (11134) - you deserved it (26196)

On 01/07/2011 at 6:24am - kids - by G-6 -

Today, while at Costco, I was eating a hotdog when I saw a really hot guy walking over. Trying to be sexy, I bit my hotdog cutely and winked. I ended up choking and dropping the ketchup covered hotdog all over my lap. FML

#16882947
327 comments

I agree, your life sucks (11131) - you deserved it (56228)

On 06/27/2011 at 3:15pm - misc - by ashhatches - United States (Ohio)

Today, I learned that if I don't clean out the litter box everyday, my cat will resort to shitting in the laundry basket. FML

#15188844
105 comments

I agree, your life sucks (11128) - you deserved it (30270)

On 03/03/2011 at 7:45pm - animals - by Anonymous - United States (Colorado)

Today, I had to excuse myself from the classroom so I could have a quick wank. This was because I somehow got extremely horny during a lesson on frog reproduction. FML

#19598772
274 comments

I agree, your life sucks (11119) - you deserved it (36331)

On 05/09/2012 at 6:19pm - intimacy - by polimeros (man) - Mexico (Queretaro de Arteaga)

Today, I was talking dirty with someone on the phone, when at one point I said, "Oh yeah, you like that?" She responded, "I can't actually feel anything you know, we're just on the phone." FML

#18904031
146 comments

I agree, your life sucks (11114) - you deserved it (31295)

On 01/25/2012 at 12:00am - intimacy - by talkingtoaretard (man) - United States (California)

Today, I came to terms with the fact that my boss owns my soul for the bare minimum wage, and has me so whipped that he probably will for the rest of eternity, or until his ancient, withered, necromantic ass dies. FML

#17367681
132 comments

I agree, your life sucks (11109) - you deserved it (21632)

On 08/04/2011 at 2:47pm - work - by Username - United States

Today, I went on a date with a great vegan guy in my class. We went to a vegi-restaurant, I dutifully ate all the meatless dishes, but he seemed pissed about something, and other diners kept giving me angry looks. After we left, I realised I'd worn my leather jacket to the date. FML

#8634063
165 comments

I agree, your life sucks (11105) - you deserved it (36989)

On 02/25/2010 at 4:42am - love - by OmniVore (man) - United Kingdom (Manchester)

Today, it was the only time in my life that I have ever received an A+ for something. Thank you, eBay buyer. FML

#19442358
108 comments

I agree, your life sucks (11104) - you deserved it (16785)

On 04/10/2012 at 10:39am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - Australia (South Australia)

Today, I spotted one of my friends using the ATM outside our school's university center. I crept up behind him, grabbed his shoulders abruptly, and shouted in my best deep man-voice, "Give me all your money!" Turned out to be a poor, unsuspecting freshman. He gave me his money. FML

#1242967
216 comments

I agree, your life sucks (11102) - you deserved it (67650)

On 04/22/2009 at 10:22pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, my five year old son was sick with a stomach bug. He didn't want to leave my side so I decided to grab a bowl from the kitchen for him to puke into. The thing is, it was dark in the kitchen and I accidentally grabbed a strainer. My new outfit is now ruined. FML

#14103046
101 comments

I agree, your life sucks (11102) - you deserved it (28954)

On 12/06/2010 at 1:17am - kids - by Hunter -

Today, my dad was teaching me how to drive. He told me that stop signs with white outlines are "optional." I ran through the next one I saw and got pulled over by a cop. My dad is making me pay the ticket for being "that stupid." Thanks dad. FML

#20129645
193 comments

I agree, your life sucks (11097) - you deserved it (35980)

On 10/23/2012 at 9:19am - money - by Dinger1992 - United States



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