Choose the period

Choose a category

Today, I had to call AAA for the fifth time in two months. When the driver got out, I instantly recognized him. It was the same guy who helped me out all the previous occasions. When he saw me, he snorted and doubled over laughing. FML

by big steve / 02/11/2012 at 1:35pm / United States (Arizona) / Transportation

Today, I discovered that my 100-pound Rottweiler is absolutely terrified of (drumroll please) orange peels. Yup. A byproduct of my lunch will turn this hulking monolith with teeth into a whimpering puddle of pee. FML

by pansypup / 09/02/2015 at 10:30pm / United States (New Mexico) / Animals

Today, I couldn't see my car in a crowded car park. I pressed unlock on my keys and saw the lights flash. As I walked over I also saw someone run from my car with an armful of my stuff. FML

by Anonymous / 12/01/2015 at 4:49am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, I learned that my 76 year old great aunt likes to swim naked, even when I have friends over. FML

by MsConfusedd / 09/01/2012 at 12:30am / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was swimming with my friends at the local pool. My friend pushed me under, and as I came up for air, my hand stroked a hairy leg. It turns out I had caressed the leg of an old man who had been swimming laps. He spent the next half hour creepily smiling at me. FML

by mac_miller55 / 07/31/2012 at 12:47pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my boyfriend told me that because he works fifty hours a week, I should be meeting an arbitrary quota of fifty hours of housework, and if I don't, I'm insensitive and ungrateful. FML

by lazy pregnant girl / 07/05/2012 at 3:34pm / United States / Work

Today at work, a woman decided to use the changing room as a public toilet, to wipe the urine with the clothes she tried on, then leave the mess along with her soiled underwear and a used maxi pad for me to clean up. FML

by peachass / 12/28/2015 at 11:59pm / Australia (Victoria) / Work

Today, I was taking a peaceful stroll in the local park when a curious turkey decided to follow me. Trying to shoo it away, I swung my leg at it, as if to fake kick it. Being the stupid animal it is, it decided to fly into my leg as I swung, causing my foot to connect to its neck. It died. FML

by Anonymous / 03/03/2013 at 9:40am / Australia (Queensland) / Animals

Today, I realized that I hadn't seen my video camera in a while. After searching for several minutes in my room, I remembered that I had given it to my dad to hide before our month long trip (so even if someone broke into the house the video camera would be safe). He's forgotten where he hid it. FML

by lostvideo / 08/24/2010 at 3:25am / Israel (Yerushalayim) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that my entire family thinks I have no friends, am expressionless (to quote, "a robot") and that my monotonous voice hints at the suppressed depression hidden deep inside me. According to them, I need psychic evaluation. It all came out at a family reunion. FML

by talhabilal / 03/11/2010 at 9:28am / Pakistan (Punjab) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got a round brush stuck in my hair so badly that I couldn't get it out for 45 minutes, and had a panic attack. I had to drive through town with a brush dangling from my head, to the hair salon, and listen to them laugh while they got it out. FML

by maggie / 11/30/2011 at 2:25pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I brought my own thermos of coffee on the train with me, the kind that flips open to uncover the mouth part. I take a few swigs and notice a cute boy nervously smiling at me. Suddenly, I feel something drip down my nose. The flip part was leaving drops of coffee all over my forehead. FML

by Anonymous / 04/08/2011 at 1:11am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I spilled the bowl of cat food I'd just filled. I picked it all up in front of my cat, but he refused to eat any of it. I had to put the food back into the packet and fill the bowl all over again. My cat is a prince. FML

by princeronron / 09/07/2015 at 10:02pm / Switzerland (Vaud) / Animals