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Today, a month after my final bout of intimacy with the stage five clinger who's been borderline stalking me since high school, she called to tell me I'm going to be a father. FML

#18222551
179 comments

I agree, your life sucks (11807) - you deserved it (55394)

On 11/11/2011 at 8:55pm - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States (Nebraska)

Today, my girlfriend found an enormous rose arrangement in the back seat of my car. The flowers were from my fire chief to his wife. I forgot to deliver them. I now have to replace them since my girlfriend thinks I got them for her. The arrangement cost $225. FML

#14989370
68 comments

I agree, your life sucks (11806) - you deserved it (38137)

On 02/15/2011 at 10:30am - love - by Dj sMoZ! -

Today, I got my fake ID and went out with the boys to dinner and the bars. One of my friends asked to see my ID. He noticed my birthday didn't make me over 21. I paid $170 for a fake ID with my real birthday. FML

#98972
58 comments

I agree, your life sucks (11801) - you deserved it (68370)

On 02/21/2009 at 8:19pm - money - by Noname (man) - United States (Illinois)

Today, after finally getting up the nerve to take my motorcycle to up 75mph on the freeway, I made it off in one piece, only to fall off my bike in the mall parking lot. FML

#12867561
100 comments

I agree, your life sucks (11801) - you deserved it (21506)

On 09/02/2010 at 7:40am - misc - by hatesgravity (woman) - United States (Michigan)

Today, as I was walking back inside I noticed my mop leaning on the wall next to my door. I picked it up and started slow dancing with it, imagining it was the girl I'm in love with. I didn't notice my neighbours bunched up at their window laughing. FML

#16041844
95 comments

I agree, your life sucks (11802) - you deserved it (29790)

On 05/04/2011 at 6:01am - misc - by anonymous (man) - Australia (New South Wales)

Today, as I was walking home, I passed some little girls who threw a bunch of snowballs at me. I dodged every single one, ran away laughing, and gave them the finger. I then ran into a snowman. FML

#14727355
126 comments

I agree, your life sucks (11795) - you deserved it (41367)

On 01/27/2011 at 12:19am - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, I asked my dad if my girlfriend could sleep over. He winked at me and agreed. When I brought her home, we went to my room for a quickie. There, I saw that my dad had taped multiple Richard Simmons posters to the wall, causing my girlfriend to suddenly come down with a "headache." FML

#19607447
163 comments

I agree, your life sucks (11793) - you deserved it (19773)

On 05/11/2012 at 2:29pm - love - by cockblocked (man) - United States (South Carolina)

Today, I was tinting my own eyelashes when I missed my eyelashes and stabbed myself in the eye with the applicator loaded with dye. Now, I have beautiful lush black eyelashes, to match my half closed swollen red left eye. Sexy. FML

#5947119
87 comments

I agree, your life sucks (11792) - you deserved it (25914)

On 10/22/2009 at 6:22pm - health - by Bunni (woman) - Australia (Queensland)

Today, I tried to email my Dad a picture of someone we knew that I'd found on the Internet. He called me later to inform me that I had actually sent him a picture of myself in a naughty school girl outfit that I'd taken for my husband. My mom was laughing her ass off. FML

#14534299
97 comments

I agree, your life sucks (11788) - you deserved it (38527)

On 01/10/2011 at 3:55pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (North Carolina)

Today, I was trying to put some new curtains up. I couldn't make sense of the instructions, so I decided to wing it. I spent a frustrating half hour fighting with it, and just seconds after I succeeded, the curtain rod gave way and slammed straight onto my head. FML

#19867617
81 comments

I agree, your life sucks (11782) - you deserved it (15044)

On 06/29/2012 at 6:46pm - misc - by Anonymous - New Zealand (Canterbury)

Today, I waited for my girlfriend to get in the shower before I stripped down to try and seduce her. I got ready, threw open the door and went in. I walked in on her taking a dump. FML

#4903891
203 comments

I agree, your life sucks (11780) - you deserved it (61551)

On 08/29/2009 at 11:13am - love - by coolhand (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, I was in bed when I rolled over and saw a hand right beside my head. I freaked out and nearly peed myself, just to realize that it was the huggable heart pillow my boyfriend had given to me on Valentine's Day. FML

#20524057
59 comments

I agree, your life sucks (11775) - you deserved it (20523)

On 02/27/2013 at 2:59am - misc - by girlymae (woman) - Canada (Manitoba)

Today, I was browsing my computer to find naked pictures of my ex-girlfriend. I decided it'd be funny to photoshop a penis onto one of the pictures. I'm straight and the new picture turned me on more than before. FML

#3007389
175 comments

I agree, your life sucks (11774) - you deserved it (59153)

On 06/18/2009 at 7:39pm - love - by AlexK (man) - United Kingdom (West Sussex)



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