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Today, I tried to wake my husband up in the middle of the night by kissing him deeply and massaging his neck and shoulders. He opens his eyes, looks at me, says "No", and goes back to sleep. FML

#5306041
55 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17301) - you deserved it (12911)

On 09/17/2009 at 12:42am - intimacy - by turnoff (woman) - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, I was talking to my boss about her children. She told me she didn’t want them to develop any problems by letting them sleep with the light on. I didn’t tell her last night I slept with the light on because I’m scared of ghosts. FML

#1622822
155 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17298) - you deserved it (40581)

On 05/04/2009 at 10:46am - misc - by pussy (woman) - Italy

Today, I asked my boyfriend if he would still love me if I became a vegetable. His response: "Well, the sex wouldn't be any different." FML

#19591291
154 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17296) - you deserved it (31296)

On 05/08/2012 at 7:35am - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States

Today, I texted everyone in my phone to remind them mother's day is tomorrow. Everyone including the boy whose mom died last year. FML

#1783104
183 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17294) - you deserved it (74975)

On 05/09/2009 at 4:38pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Oklahoma)

Today, I learned that no matter how much you want the Nutella, it's never a good idea to deep-throat the knife. FML

#21073034
183 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17293) - you deserved it (54987)

On 02/27/2014 at 9:34am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Colorado)

Today, I drunk dialed my mom and told her I was so high and drunk that I thought the KGB was coming after me. When I woke up this morning, my mom told me that she's no longer paying for college. FML

#90754
86 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17292) - you deserved it (113500)

On 02/20/2009 at 6:42pm - money - by Noname (man) - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, I was accused of being high. Why? Because I was playing with a milk bottle. FML

#19331009
83 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17292) - you deserved it (4621)

On 03/23/2012 at 2:18am - misc - by Not_High (woman) - Canada (British Columbia)

Today, I had to walk home in nothing but my snuggie and sneakers. FML

#16501427
310 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17290) - you deserved it (30408)

On 06/04/2011 at 4:42pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States

Today, I was with my girlfriend, thinking we were alone in the house. Her little brother found us having sex on the couch, took a pic and said, "You are now both my slaves." He ran upstairs and locked his bedroom door. FML

#9797503
220 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17289) - you deserved it (41105)

On 04/11/2010 at 4:11am - intimacy - by junior - United States (Arizona)

Today, I decided to cheat on my math test by writing a couple of equations on my hand. Totally satisfied, I handed my test in feeling like I had aced it. As I was heading toward the door, I happily waved goodbye to my teacher. She saw everything. FML

#637114
155 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17288) - you deserved it (189593)

On 03/27/2009 at 12:39am - misc - by rutho (man) - United States (California)

Today, I accidentally took my mouthwash like a shot. I don't know what burned more, when it went down or when it came back up. FML

#19356706
97 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17287) - you deserved it (12166)

On 03/27/2012 at 10:00am - health - by halfasleep (man) - United States (Connecticut)

Today, I was bored and started touching myself watching TV. My mother walked into my bedroom with a phone in her hand and yelled, "Stop jacking off and talk to your grandmother." FML

#18749585
169 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17286) - you deserved it (31438)

On 01/08/2012 at 7:43pm - intimacy - by caught - United States (Washington)

Today, the girl I like called me and said she liked me. After I told her I liked her too, she didn't say anything. Thinking the call was a joke, I started screaming at her and calling her a slut. Turns out it wasn't a joke, she had just hit mute on her phone by accident. FML

#1900118
327 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17284) - you deserved it (123421)

On 05/13/2009 at 11:35am - love - by your_mother - United States (New Jersey)



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