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Today, I pulled out a book and my bookmark fell out. My crush picked it up and a weird look came across his face. I then realized I had used toilet paper. Now I'm the girl who reads while taking dumps. FML

#20031031
132 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17852) - you deserved it (5864)

On 08/20/2012 at 12:03am - misc - by Cottagecheeseha (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I gave my boyfriend a spontaneous blowjob while we were watching TV. After he finished, I tried to pull a sexy move I'd seen in a porno by zipping his pants back up with my teeth. His foreskin got caught in the zipper and we spent the next few hours in the emergency room. FML

#3604059
182 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17851) - you deserved it (56777)

On 07/09/2009 at 3:35am - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) -

Today, my boyfriend told his parents about my bondage fetish. In front of me. FML

#6952293
56 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17845) - you deserved it (3183)

On 12/26/2009 at 3:17am - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I was interviewing a cute guy for my journalism class, and he asked to borrow my laptop to check his email quickly. After the interview, I realized that the last thing I had searched for on my browser's Google box was "ingrown pubic hairs," and it was still up there. FML

#115661
33 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17844) - you deserved it (32916)

On 02/23/2009 at 5:50pm - misc - by loserface (woman) - United States (Illinois)

Today, the guardian angel charm my grandma gave to me for "safe driving" fell off my sun visor while I was driving. This scared me enough to cause me to swerve into another moving car. So much for safe driving. FML

#20119674
99 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17843) - you deserved it (6228)

On 10/16/2012 at 2:43pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States

Today, while at Wendy's with my boyfriend, I realized that he made more pleasure sounds when eating his Baconator than he did while sleeping with me. FML

#6009820
89 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17843) - you deserved it (4922)

On 10/26/2009 at 5:34pm - intimacy - by FYLyfer (woman) - United States

Today, I took my dog for a walk down by the river. I was throwing sticks for him with one hand and talking on the phone with the other. Then I accidentally threw my phone in the river instead of the stick and was standing there talking to the stick while my phone sat at the bottom of the river. FML

#102926
56 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17839) - you deserved it (57155)

On 02/22/2009 at 9:52am - animals - by El Boz (woman) - United States (Maryland)

Today, I met up with my dad after having worked abroad for the past six months. Apparently, during that time he's had a mid-life crisis or been snorting a few too many turds, because he's now some sort of hippie calling himself "Memnoch of Pleiades". FML

#19705574
71 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17839) - you deserved it (1729)

On 05/30/2012 at 5:34pm - misc - by wtf (man) - United Kingdom (Surrey)

Today, I went to go get a haircut and I asked how much it was for a haircut, shampoo, and a blow job. I meant to say blow dry. FML

#145421
68 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17837) - you deserved it (50180)

On 02/26/2009 at 6:21pm - misc - by Stixchop (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, I was teasing my 12 year old little cousin about him liking my best friend. I guess it made him mad because he yelled "Breast cancer!" at the top of his lungs before power-punching my right boob. FML

#17457165
173 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17837) - you deserved it (32213)

On 08/13/2011 at 2:51am - kids - by brittbrat4 - United States (Florida)

Today, after a particularly gruesome nightmare about spiders due to my irrational phobia, I decided to try and desensitise myself by googling 'house spiders'. I can't stop the feeling of something crawling over every inch of my body, but at least I now know they can live up to six years. FML

#8700237
131 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17836) - you deserved it (6390)

On 02/27/2010 at 9:03pm - health - by joolsie (woman) - United Kingdom (York)

Today, I was hanging out with the guy I really like. I lifted my arms to put my hair in a ponytail when he noticed a hole that had apparently tore in the armpit of my shirt, so he put his finger through it. I haven't shaved in weeks. FML

#20513075
114 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17833) - you deserved it (51599)

On 02/19/2013 at 1:19am - love - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, while I was trying to take off my eye make up, I accidentally used nail polish remover. FML

#13539
54 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17828) - you deserved it (30866)

On 02/07/2009 at 3:43pm - misc - by Snow (woman) - United States (Virginia)



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