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Today, I woke up to what sounded like twigs snapping. Turns out it was the skull of a live mouse being crushed in my cat's jaws. FML

by Anonymous / 03/30/2012 at 3:45am / Australia (Western Australia) / Animals

Today, I took new sleeping meds. One of the side effects was sleepwalking. I had a dream my girlfriend wanted me to pee on her. Apparently, while sleepwalking, I pissed all over our dog. FML

by feels like an asshole / 06/09/2015 at 4:03pm / United States / Health

Today, I failed my driving test. I've been a legal driver in my home country for 8 years, but can't pass the test here. FML

by Anonymous / 11/10/2010 at 12:56pm / United Kingdom (Edinburgh) / Transportation

Today, my neighbors left for their nine month excursion, and armed their security system. One of the features is a loud series of three beeps every three seconds, 24 hours a day. I can hear it, clear as a bell, throughout my entire house. FML

by Anonymous / 10/16/2012 at 12:38pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was singing while driving through the car park. I blacked out trying to hit a high note, and ended up bashing into another car. FML

by Anonymous / 02/17/2014 at 12:43pm / United States (Illinois) / Money

Today, I came home to find my eight-year-old son had basically set fire to the kitchen, after trying to practice some kind of stupid shit he'd seen on TV called "fire bending." FML

by SadDad / 09/22/2012 at 2:11pm / United States (Virginia) / Kids

Today, I found out that my boss of 2 years not only doesn't know my name, but calls me "Jew hair" behind my back because of my natural ringlets. This man determines all of my career progression. FML

by hmdge1 / 06/09/2015 at 11:21pm / United Kingdom (Doncaster) / Work

Today, my girlfriend and I were in bed. She slipped her hand under the duvet, and I got all excited thinking she was going to give me a hand job. She was actually pulling out her wedgie. FML

by TJ / 04/06/2012 at 7:10am / United Kingdom (Surrey) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend and I were watching TV and there were penguins laying eggs. He said, "Penguins are mammals, they don't lay eggs." I replied, "Penguins are birds." We fought about it for ages until he realised that I was right, and has since stopped talking to me. FML

by difference between birds and mammals. / 09/02/2012 at 8:10pm / Australia / Animals

Today, my mom decided to only speak to me through our pet cat. FML

by izu / 09/16/2011 at 1:40am / United States / Animals

Today, I found out my college friends are going to attack me after Christmas and attempt to tickle me to death. All because they know that I hate to be tickled. They are also going to make a Facebook group dedicated to the matter so people can join in if they wish. FML

by rie / 12/23/2009 at 7:29pm / Ireland (Dublin) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that my girlfriend has been cheating on me. I also found out that my best friend knew about it all along. When I confronted him, he tried to justify the betrayal by saying that she paid him to keep quiet. FML

by gng2fckngkilluyoufckngfckr / 08/03/2012 at 2:31pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, I woke up at midnight crying, stood up to turn on the lights and face-planted into my wall. FML

by Girl-of-very-little-brain / 12/29/2011 at 7:01am / Canada / Health