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Today, my grandmother told me to say "sofa king retarded" really fast. Not only did it take me several attempts to figure out what it meant, I'm now grounded by my mother for having a foul mouth. FML

#14106944
135 comments

I agree, your life sucks (13769) - you deserved it (22846)

On 12/06/2010 at 12:03pm - misc - by bribreeeeeezyfreshhh (woman) - United Kingdom

Today, my mom tried to give me the sex talk, while I was mounting my boyfriend. FML

#19146778
230 comments

I agree, your life sucks (13770) - you deserved it (32321)

On 02/23/2012 at 3:25pm - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States

Today, I was having sex with a girl. Things were getting pretty hot, so I decided to smack her butt. I missed. I smacked my balls instead. Real hard. FML

#3055426
209 comments

I agree, your life sucks (13767) - you deserved it (88860)

On 06/20/2009 at 7:13am - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - Switzerland (Bern)

Today, I was at the airport, when a lady came up and loudly asked if she could sit next to me. I have serious social issues, so to avoid having to talk to her, I pretended I was deaf and couldn't hear her. She immediately broke out her sign language skills. FML

#20538296
135 comments

I agree, your life sucks (13766) - you deserved it (44293)

On 03/10/2013 at 3:54pm - misc - by human lava lamp (woman) - United States (Connecticut)

Today, I was walking with my boyfriend down the street and a really hot guy walked past with no shirt on. While distracted by his hardened stomach muscles, I promptly walked into a pole, then became single. FML

#4994498
188 comments

I agree, your life sucks (13765) - you deserved it (64139)

On 09/02/2009 at 5:21am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - Australia

Today, I finally figured out why my 5 year old daughter washes her hair everyday. It's because she doesn't want to have "yucky greasy" hair like her mommy. FML

#5108353
140 comments

I agree, your life sucks (13762) - you deserved it (42188)

On 09/07/2009 at 4:25pm - kids - by greasyhair (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, I was chatting with a customer who comes regularly to my job. He sticks his hand out and I put my hand on his, thinking he's giving me a high five. He was just waiting for his receipt. FML

#18002643
88 comments

I agree, your life sucks (13757) - you deserved it (19136)

On 10/16/2011 at 10:50pm - work - by Kate - United States

Today, I borrowed a van to move some of my furniture. I wasn't used to the brakes so when I stopped at a red light, I pretty much ended up in the cross walk. Suddenly I heard a loud thud at the side of the van. I turned to see what idiot would walk into a van. It was a blind man. FML

#174723
40 comments

I agree, your life sucks (13755) - you deserved it (46316)

On 03/01/2009 at 8:09pm - misc - by jazojigga (man) - United States (California)

Today, I baked a chicken pot pie in the oven. I pulled it out, and noticed a big piece of tasty-looking, flaky pastry had come loose. Without thinking I ripped it off and popped it into my mouth. I HEARD the skin on the inside of my cheeks burn. FML

#1713155
112 comments

I agree, your life sucks (13749) - you deserved it (79010)

On 05/07/2009 at 8:09am - misc - by Anonymous - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I tried for 45 minutes to convince my psychiatrist to take me off my antidepressant. When he finally agreed to do so, I broke down into tears and sobbed uncontrollably for 10 minutes. Hello, increased prescription. FML

#19854055
155 comments

I agree, your life sucks (13750) - you deserved it (18489)

On 06/27/2012 at 1:29am - health - by purpleskylight - United States (Kentucky)

Today, I checked an old photosharing account. I got a new phone last year and didn't realize all the pictures I took with the new phone would still automatically upload to my account. Unknowingly, I posted naked pics of myself online. Not one of my friends told me. FML

#3884165
85 comments

I agree, your life sucks (13748) - you deserved it (50994)

On 07/19/2009 at 4:14pm - misc - by nudie (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, I was watching a video about spiders. When I felt a tickle on my foot, I kicked hard in panic. It was one of our newborn kittens walking. I almost killed it. FML

#12750103
192 comments

I agree, your life sucks (13747) - you deserved it (49487)

On 08/26/2010 at 1:33am - animals - by Aaron (man) - United States (Wisconsin)

Today, after five months of working overtime and doing my own repairs around the house, such as patching my own roof to save money, I walk into my home office. I find my $2500, week old, top of the line laptop won't turn on because it's drenched in water. Apparently there's a leak in the roof. FML

#6706236
57 comments

I agree, your life sucks (13744) - you deserved it (21094)

On 12/11/2009 at 6:11am - misc - by LostFocus - United States (California)



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