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Today, I got out of the hospital for the second time in a week. The first time was for a seizure that my cat induced by tripping me over. The second was to get stitches from the Doberman that had decided to take over my front yard while I was gone. Apparently I was intruding. FML

by estallidos / 01/23/2010 at 12:13am / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, the mall got evacuated while I was getting my hair colored. I am now standing outside of a crowded mall, wearing a showercap. FML

by tylah / 06/23/2012 at 11:11am / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me over the phone, after having left me to look after her dog while she went on a 2-week vacation with her family. Now I have to choose between paying for a kennel for her damn dog or taking care of it every day until she gets back. FML

by Anonymous / 07/28/2015 at 11:18am / United States (Massachusetts) / Love

Today, I found out that my ex-girlfriend got engaged to a co-worker. I got her the job. FML

by D-Man / 02/08/2012 at 8:08am / United States / Love

Today, when I told my family I was a vegetarian, I expected them to make fun of me because that's just my family. But what I wasn't expecting was my dad to use raw meat as a puppet and make it say, "Eat me! Eat me!" then throw it at my face. FML

by Anonymous / 06/21/2012 at 10:52am / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, I walked in on the 13 year-old boy I babysit masturbating while sniffing my jacket. FML

by Anonymous / 12/22/2015 at 10:19pm / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy

Today, I wanted to take a bubble bath with the jets in the bath that I haven't used in years. When I got in, it took me a while to realize that the jets had squirted out slime and a family of unidentifiable bugs that have probably been living there for years. FML

by juliannamelissa / 09/06/2012 at 2:38am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out why my District Manager won't promote me to store manager; his wife thinks he's having an affair with me. If he promotes me, she will take that as evidence of the affair, and then will threaten to divorce him. FML

by Mandi / 08/27/2012 at 8:09pm / United States (North Carolina) / Work

Today, I found out that my boyfriend has been seeing another girl behind my back. The kicker is that he told her I was his lazy sister and had just moved in. FML

by thatonegirl.SBS. / 09/29/2012 at 1:38am / United States (California) / Love

Today, while I was shopping at a store with my friend, I noticed a cute girl smiling at us. My friend said "She's all yours," and walked away. When I approached her, she asked me if my friend was single. FML

by ZAS / 08/22/2012 at 12:57pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, as part of the treatment for my bulimia, my doctor informed me that I will not be allowed to go to the bathroom unsupervised. Meaning there will have to be another person in the bathroom with me at all times. I have a nervous bladder. I couldn't go if I wanted to. FML

by Anonymous / 10/13/2011 at 8:07pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Health

Today, I had to get the manager of a grocery store to explain to his employee how coupons work. The employee had refused to accept the coupons I was using, for fear that, "they will be deducted from my paycheck." FML

by brunurb / 05/29/2012 at 7:40am / United States (Massachusetts) / Money

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my mom came into my bedroom and told me to listen to this voicemail. I listened to me and my girlfriend talking dirty followed by the bed springs bouncing for 3 minutes. I had my phone in the pocket while I was having sex with her and it left my mom a nice voicemail. FML

by JDLAX1924 / 08/05/2010 at 7:24pm / United States / Intimacy