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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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Today, I was looking after my parents house and their wiener dog, and fell asleep on the couch. The dog climbed onto my shoulders and rested behind my head like a doggie neck pillow. All was great until she farted right in my left ear. FML

#5060
28 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18588) - you deserved it (6432)

On 02/01/2009 at 11:31pm - animals - by Noname - United States (Nebraska)

Today, I meant to express to my friends that I was enamored with a young saleswoman I had encountered at a store. I wanted to tell them that she was quite petite and that I am, in general, attracted to petite women. Instead I said "You know? I like little girls." FML

#2556869
275 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18588) - you deserved it (56425)

On 06/03/2009 at 1:23am - love - by boinger (man) - United States (California)

Today, I was listening to my favorite radio station outta Detroit. A commercial came on for a program that was giving federal grants to people who were going into a trade, like me. Right as I was getting excited I heard the words "brought to you by the government of Canada." FML

#8116532
183 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18589) - you deserved it (4963)

On 02/11/2010 at 12:13am - work - by brit - United States (Colorado)

Today, I sarcastically pointed out a book to my mom, titled "Living Successfully With Screwed Up People." She already has it. FML

#19568451
55 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18587) - you deserved it (4270)

On 05/03/2012 at 1:45pm - misc - by screwedupkid -

Today, I brought a fluorescent tube to the store to make sure I got the correct replacement. Trying to charm the sexy cashier, I waved the tube in the air, saying "I need a new light sabre, there is no force left in this one and the Empire is attacking." Turns out she'd never heard of Star Wars. FML

#20162883
275 comments

Today, I took some new allergy medicine I had never tried before, and I didn't bother reading the side effects. I then went to school. It was almost an hour before dismissal when I had felt a warm feeling on my legs. One of the side effects to my new medicine was bladder control problems. FML

#11906376
91 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18577) - you deserved it (23505)

On 07/15/2010 at 8:17pm - misc - by darthinvader (man) - United States (Florida)

Today, was the first day of my sophomore year. While receiving my schedule, I burst into tears at the sight of a disfigured midget. I'm now seen as the school bitch for making fun of a midget. I have a genuine fear of midgets. FML

Today, I walked across my kitchen to go get my mom a blanket after she shoveled snow. I slipped and caught the kitchen chair with my side, landed on the floor and almost fracturing my knee cap. She then told me she wasn't cold. FML

#8156006
94 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18576) - you deserved it (3634)

On 02/12/2010 at 1:20am - health - by a - United States (Maryland)

Today, I realized that the only things I gained from my masters programs are more debt and the knowledge that you can use a semicolon in a list. FML

#8437472
88 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18575) - you deserved it (4796)

On 02/19/2010 at 7:03am - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Virginia)

Today, I was babysitting three kids, one of whom was particularly difficult to control. While trying to get him to behave, the two girls came up behind me and pulled my pants down. In front of a huge window open to the street below. FML

#19994550
105 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18572) - you deserved it (2031)

On 07/31/2012 at 1:43pm - kids - by 1D-107 - United States (Utah)

Today, I dove head-first underneath my garage door, narrowly missing both the sensor and the closing door, executing a perfect roll, and popping back up onto my feet unscathed. My smugness went through the floor as I remembered I'd left my keys back in the house. FML

#18798370
107 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18571) - you deserved it (13017)

On 01/13/2012 at 7:09pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - Sweden (Jonkopings Lan)

Today, I realized that I'm the only person in my house not getting any. My sister is sleeping with my ex. My roommate is sleeping with my brother. And my mom texted me asking me to make it look like she slept in her bed so that she didn't have to do the "walk of shame" in the morning. FML

#5977598
37 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18568) - you deserved it (2352)

On 10/24/2009 at 5:23pm - intimacy - by this_is_fucked (woman) - Zimbabwe (Mashonaland East)

Today, I opened my lunch in front of my friends at university. I had a note in my lunch from my mother that said "Have a good day sweetie! - Love mom". I wrote that note, and put it in my lunch to impress my friends. FML

#3613021
177 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18562) - you deserved it (60468)

On 07/09/2009 at 2:50pm - misc - by sadlife (woman) - Canada (Ontario)



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