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Today, my girlfriend thought it would be amusing to sneak into my room and jump me in my bed. Too bad that when she jumped, one of her knees landed on my crotch. I haven't been able to walk properly since this morning. FML

by Anonymous / 03/03/2010 at 7:36pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, I'm on a medication that really dehydrates my skin. I thought split lips were the worst side effects. Other split orifices make a trip to the toilet a literal pain in the arse. No sign of stopping in the near future. FML

by ouch / 12/20/2011 at 7:46am / Australia (Western Australia) / Health

Today, I'm faced with the prospect of having to defend my sister from a herd of very angry bronies. FML

by Why? / 03/05/2015 at 5:34pm / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous

Today, a toddler's play ball rolled over to me in the park. I playfully pitched it to him as his parents watched from afar. The ball hit him in the face. FML

by Noname / 01/29/2009 at 6:08pm / United States (New York) / Kids

Today, I confessed to cheating to my girlfriend. She decided to go up to the girl and ask her about it. The girl denied it and said she didn't even know me. My girlfriend walked up to me, called me a liar and punched me in the face. FML

by bad day Brutus / 04/29/2013 at 1:26am / United States / Love

Today, my deadbeat dad threatened to press charges against me for harassment if I ever contact him again. I've contacted him twice in the last two years, once to tell him he was going to be a grandfather, and once to send him a birthday card from my son. FML

by Anonymous / 11/21/2015 at 8:47am / United States (Wisconsin) / Miscellaneous

Today, while at a red light, a guy in a tux and sunglasses doing the Gangnam Style passed over the crossing, followed by a man with a video camera. This isn't the first time I've stopped for people doing a Gangnam Style parody. FML

by Gangnam / 11/16/2012 at 10:52am / Sweden (Stockholms Lan) / Miscellaneous

Today, my sister asked me to grab her some toilet paper. I refused, so she grabbed my favorite shirt out of the laundry basket and used it to wipe. I was busy icing my sprained ankle. I couldn't walk. She knew this. FML

by thanks sis / 10/21/2015 at 8:57pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Kids

Today, I had a nice, open chat with my mother. I accidentally let slip that I'm a nymphomaniac. She accidentally let slip that my dad is bad in bed. I don't think either of us will be chatting so openly for awhile. FML

by ewmomew / 09/12/2010 at 12:07am / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

Today, after months of job searching I got a job interview. I also later got a phone call from the manager informing me they burned down, and all current employees will be relocated or dismissed, and that my interview, scheduled for tomorrow, is postponed indefinitely. FML

by Anonymous / 12/12/2010 at 11:19pm / New Zealand / Work

Today, I went to the bowling alley. I have short, stubby fingers, and as I looked for a bowling ball that would fit my hand properly, an old man watched me searching, and approached asking, "Is that how you are with women? Fingering them, tossing them in the gutter, and looking for another?" FML

by weldingmachine217 / 11/16/2015 at 4:47pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Intimacy

Today, my friends and I were celebrating Spring Break by going out to a club. I saw a very, very cute girl sipping a drink at the bar all by herself. Trying to be a stud I walked over and said "What are you doing Friday night?" Her response: "Not you." FML

by rejected / 04/23/2009 at 12:20am / United States (Nevada) / Intimacy

Today, while driving, we pulled up at a set of traffic lights next to a huge truck with live animals inside. Curious as to exactly what animal, I wound down my window to see if I could hear them, just in time for the truck to take off and cow shit to fly in my face. FML

by kat, ACT / 12/20/2009 at 9:37am / United States / Transportation