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Today, my girlfriend thought it would be amusing to sneak into my room and jump me in my bed. Too bad that when she jumped, one of her knees landed on my crotch. I haven't been able to walk properly since this morning. FML

by Anonymous / 03/03/2010 at 7:36pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, I got back from a three week trip in the Alaska back-country. I survived climbing fatally steep mountains, white water rafting in a freezing glacier river, and a near bear attack. Despite all that, a badly thrown frisbee managed to split my eyebrow in half. FML

by Gabby125 / 09/18/2010 at 10:54pm / United States (North Carolina) / Health

Today, I was taking a serious shit when the light bulb burned out. I am terrified of the dark and began wailing and crying. My mom had to pick the lock and get me out. I'm a 17 year old guy and captain of the Varsity football team. My little brother recorded it and plans on showing everyone. FML

by scaredshitless / 08/07/2009 at 12:11am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I made out with a boy for the first time. I belched into his mouth. FML

by NoMoreTacoBell / 06/04/2015 at 12:21pm / United States (Virginia) / Love

Today, my boyfriend told me my vagina is "as clean as a dog's mouth." I'm not sure if that supposed to be a compliment or not. FML

by Anonymous / 08/02/2015 at 1:19am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, the acne on one side of my face has flared up at the corners of my mouth, making me look just like The Joker. FML

by onorexveritas / 09/06/2012 at 12:54pm / United States (California) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, a telemarketer found me so weird that he hung up on me. FML

by Anonymous / 11/16/2010 at 3:07am / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, my five-year-old daughter came home from school. It was cold and she was very tired. I said, "Take off your socks and blow your nose." She took off her socks and blew her nose into them. FML

by titoutou222 / 10/22/2011 at 8:40am / France / Kids

Today, after spending a few minutes de-icing my car and leaving the heat on so it would warm up, I slipped as I was entering the car and hit my head on the door, causing it to close and lock. I'm waiting for my mom who has a spare key to come and unlock it. Class started ten minutes ago. FML

by katie / 01/27/2010 at 3:03pm / Transportation

Today, my boss at my new job described a client as "retarded". I corrected him with "mentally disabled". He smirked and replied "Whatever. Just explain things to her real slow. After all, she's 'mentally disabled'. And a woman." I need this job so bad that I'll have to just put up with this asshole. FML

by Anonymous / 08/07/2015 at 10:27am / United States (California) / Work

Today, my sister asked me to grab her some toilet paper. I refused, so she grabbed my favorite shirt out of the laundry basket and used it to wipe. I was busy icing my sprained ankle. I couldn't walk. She knew this. FML

by thanks sis / 10/21/2015 at 8:57pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Kids

Today, my deadbeat dad threatened to press charges against me for harassment if I ever contact him again. I've contacted him twice in the last two years, once to tell him he was going to be a grandfather, and once to send him a birthday card from my son. FML

by Anonymous / 11/21/2015 at 8:47am / United States (Wisconsin) / Miscellaneous

Today, as I went to the bathroom in a port-a-potty at a park, I forgot to lock the door. A little girl opens the door and then slams it right away. As she walked away I heard her say "no, there's a man in there". I'm a woman. FML

by crappy_day / 01/08/2010 at 9:09pm / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous