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Today, my parents hosted a party at our house. After seeing one of the extremely beautiful guests, I went to masturbate in my room. When I was about to finish, my bedroom door opened suddenly. It was my mom showing around 10 party guests that our dog can open doors. FML

by Jeremy / 05/09/2009 at 9:04pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I was showing my three year-old that going down the deck steps are perfectly safe. At the top, I tripped on my shoe and fell head first down every step. I now have five stitches and a three year old who won't go anywhere near the deck. FML

by Diana / 08/12/2010 at 9:06pm / United States (Nebraska) / Kids

Today, I discovered how my ex-girlfriend exacted her revenge. Every item of clothing I own now has sequins. FML

by Luke / 08/05/2010 at 1:00pm / United Kingdom (West Berkshire) / Love

Today, I was hammered, and on my way home I walked into a policeman. My logic was: if I'm on the phone, he can't talk to me, so I pulled my phone out and started speaking. The officer then asked me why I was speaking to my wallet. FML

by drunk under 18 teenager / 08/19/2014 at 9:37am / Morocco (Marrakech-Tensift-Al Haouz) / Geek

Today, the acne on one side of my face has flared up at the corners of my mouth, making me look just like The Joker. FML

by onorexveritas / 09/06/2012 at 12:54pm / United States (California) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, the phone kept ringing so I picked it up and answered. When there was no response, it took a minute to realize that I was still in bed and talking to my hand. FML

by Sleepy / 05/31/2015 at 11:51am / United States (Armed Forces Europe, Middle East) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was on the toilet at work. After a very loud and very smelly session, I waited until the other stall had been vacated to keep my anonymity. As I leant forward for some toilet roll, my ID fell out of my pocket and into the next stall. When I came out, it was face up near the sink. FML

by Shamed / 09/06/2011 at 4:06am / United Kingdom / Work

Today, my brother saw my side when my shirt came up, and asked when I got a tattoo; the pink he saw was in fact my stretch marks. Worst of all, I had to show them to everyone to prove I didn't actually get a tattoo. FML

by screw life / 10/01/2012 at 7:35am / United States / Health

Today, after breaking up with my girlfriend of 3 years a few months ago, my boys convinced me to go out with the cute girl I had been talking to on Tinder. However, she wasn't cute, or a girl. He robbed me. FML

by Anonymous / 07/09/2015 at 3:46pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be amusing to sneak into my room and jump me in my bed. Too bad that when she jumped, one of her knees landed on my crotch. I haven't been able to walk properly since this morning. FML

by Anonymous / 03/03/2010 at 7:36pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, I was stabbed in the chest. Not with a knife though, the under-wire from my bra escaped and stabbed me in the boob. FML

by J.O.S / 03/21/2012 at 5:06pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I finally found a bug I had been trying to get rid of. When I removed my bra, I noticed what looked like a piece of bug on it. Apparently, the bug was flattened and suffocated by my boob the entire day. FML

by Kurda / 05/22/2015 at 10:26pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, my five-year-old daughter came home from school. It was cold and she was very tired. I said, "Take off your socks and blow your nose." She took off her socks and blew her nose into them. FML

by titoutou222 / 10/22/2011 at 8:40am / France / Kids