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Today, I was out with my brother and his group of very cute friends at a Cheesecake Factory. When the server came to take our orders, she asked me what kind of sauce I liked. Like a complete fuckwit, I blurted, "I like creamy white stuff." The guy across from me choked on his water. FML

by Bex98 / 01/11/2016 at 3:17am / United States (California) / Intimacy

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I realized the only reason my mom trusts me to stay home alone for long periods of time is because I don't have enough friends to throw a party. FML

by Not turnt / 07/27/2015 at 3:12pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was talking to a colleague about love. He told me he's given up on love because things ended badly with a previous girl. I said, "Maybe it wasn't meant to be, and she wasn't the one." He then said the reason it didn't work out was because she killed herself. FML

by Anonymous / 08/20/2015 at 8:37am / Portugal (Lisboa) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was woken up by a noise coming from the bathroom. Upon investigation, I discovered my very drunk, giggling girlfriend attempting to urinate standing up. Carefully note the word "attempting". FML

by SprinklerDodger / 06/08/2012 at 7:54pm / Denmark (Syddanmark) / Love

Today, at work my boss called me into his office because he had received multiple complaints from coworkers about a prank sound machine I have been using to make inappropriate fart sounds at my desk. I wish it was a fart machine; I have a condition. FML

by Anonymous / 10/18/2012 at 2:33am / Canada (Ontario) / Work

Today, I went home, where I live alone, from my dorm room at my university. The only Christmas cards I had received were addressed to the person that lived there before me. FML

by LonelySanta / 12/24/2009 at 3:18am / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous

Today, I put the vacuum cleaner hose against my neck to give me a hickey, so that it would look like I got some action. FML

by allalone / 07/13/2010 at 8:33pm / United States (Georgia) / Intimacy

Today, I went to my boyfriends house to meet his parents, and now they have a dead rabbit because I sat on it. FML

by rabbitkiller / 06/20/2015 at 6:42am / China (Nei Mongol) / Animals

Today, I sent a Facebook friend request to my ex. This afternoon I notice that they had accepted, and had left a message for me in my inbox. Asking how they knew me. FML

by josh / 01/23/2009 at 7:33am / United States (Indiana) / Love

Today, I slid on ice and hit another car while driving to work. My car was totalled, and my leg hurt, while the other car had very little damage. Not two minutes later, the salt truck drove by, spraying the road. FML

by wrecked / 01/11/2010 at 8:43am / United States (Ohio) / Transportation

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend why period blood couldn't be saved and donated to the hospital for transplants. FML

by Carrie G. / 07/26/2012 at 8:46pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to the gynecologist for the first time. I was so nervous that when she extended her hand to shake mine, I gave her my handbag instead. FML

by shellie / 01/13/2012 at 2:48am / Reserved / Health

Today, thinking I was alone in my house, I went downstairs in my underwear, singing at the top of my voice. I strutted into the kitchen to find two middle-aged men I'd never seen before sat at the kitchen table, drinking coffee. Turns out they will be painting our house for the next two weeks. FML

by Anonymous / 09/18/2012 at 10:48am / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Miscellaneous