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Today, my family and I noticed that our Christmas tree had been stolen from our front garden. Last night, a group of girls from my village posted a status on Facebook stating how drunk they were, and how they had stolen a Christmas tree. I "liked" it. FML

by Marcella_03 / 12/05/2009 at 8:22am / United Kingdom (London) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend called me and said she needs to take a break from our relationship. Why? Her really clingy ex is really depressed about her dating someone else and he isn't ready to accept it. So she wants to take a break "for his sake" until he's over her. FML

by Anonymous / 07/26/2015 at 12:36pm / Finland (Western Finland) / Love

Today, while serving a rather large party at the restaurant where I work, I mentioned that the soup of the day was "to die for". After the hosts gave me weird looks, it dawned on me that the reason they were wearing all black is because they've just come back from a funeral. FML

by Anonymous / 02/17/2010 at 11:32am / Canada (Ontario) / Work

Today, I looked in my mouse's cage and noticed a tiny weed growing. I've been trying to grow a garden for years to no avail. Even my mouse is a better gardener than I am. FML

by Anonymous / 02/24/2011 at 6:03pm / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous

Today, I wound up cleaning vomit out of the window track of my car at midnight, in the nicest dress I own, after my husband got completely wasted at his office Christmas party. FML

by dee / 12/10/2011 at 5:14am / United States (Oregon) / Transportation

Today, I awoke to the sound of my neighbor's attacking my car with a baseball bat accusing me of calling the cops on them. I did call the cops on them, after they screamed at me last night, drunkenly, to call the cops for them because they thought they were being robbed. FML

by Anonymous / 10/11/2015 at 11:34am / United States (Kentucky) / Transportation

Today, I found out the real cause of what I assumed was a healthy increase in my teenage daughter's appetite lately. Some fine young gentlemen with a fat fetish convinced her start gaining weight so they could jack off to her. FML

by bluep313 / 09/18/2015 at 1:03pm / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Kids

Today, I reached for my beer and took a huge swallow before I realized that I had picked up my friend's tobacco spit cup. "Vomit" is not a strong enough word to describe what happened next. FML

by blegh / 01/15/2009 at 11:57pm / Switzerland (Ticino) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to choir rehearsal at 7:30 in the morning. When the guy I have a major crush on stood next to me, I got really excited, so I tried to sound good. After the song ended, he asked me if I wanted some gum to cover up my morning breath. FML

by snowinggrey / 02/18/2012 at 11:03pm / United States / Love

Today, I bought one of my favorite albums from when I was growing up. When I looked at the liner notes, I learned that my favorite song on the album wasn't about taking a bath, but about going to a brothel. My second-favorite isn't about moving, but about suicide. My childhood just shattered. FML

by nilssonfan / 11/17/2010 at 3:08am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, at work, I served a customer who looked so much like my grandma that I thought it actually was her. Then I remembered she died 6 months ago. I had to serve customers with a smile on my face while choking back tears for the rest of the day. FML

by myanmarkaviar / 08/27/2015 at 12:34pm / Norway (Buskerud) / Work

Today, my girlfriend randomly confessed to basically having a "phobia" of monogamy. But don't worry, she defensively assured me she's never ever cheated on me, even though I never said she had, so I guess that's okay then. FML

by well then / 05/30/2015 at 1:40am / United States (Georgia) / Love

Today, my ex-fiancée's new boyfriend phoned me to ask what her ring size is. FML

by Anon / 09/06/2015 at 8:50am / United Kingdom (Staffordshire) / Love