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Today, I wound up cleaning vomit out of the window track of my car at midnight, in the nicest dress I own, after my husband got completely wasted at his office Christmas party. FML

by dee / 12/10/2011 at 5:14am / United States (Oregon) / Transportation

Today, the woman I love told me she cared about me and didn't like me hurting myself. She then posted a picture of herself making-out with her new boyfriend. FML

by xX-SaD-FaCe-Xx / 11/24/2009 at 5:04am / Singapore / Love

Today, I was driving with my boss and she held her breath as we drove past a cell tower, because she didn't want to "breathe in any radiation." I have to take orders from this moron. FML

by Heavy D / 09/06/2012 at 9:45am / United States / Work

Today, my brother's home for his annual visit, lectures my parents once about their eating habits. They promptly throw away all of their junk food. I'm there every Sunday, and have been telling them to eat healthier for medical reasons. They never listen. He's in sales, and I'm in med school. FML

by Anonymous / 02/13/2010 at 3:47am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was getting frisky with my fiancée when she started talking about her dead great-grandma. FML

by tdiz / 10/12/2010 at 12:48am / Canada (British Columbia) / Intimacy

Today, I was wondering why my home smelled so weird, until I found out that my 4 year old son had been secretly scattering around food he didn't like to eat throughout the house. How did I find out? No one else in this family leaves half eaten spinach all over my underwear drawer. FML

by Anonymous / 01/10/2010 at 5:45am / Canada (British Columbia) / Kids

Today, I read that egg whites make a good hair treatment. Everything was going fine until, without thinking, I turned the hot water on to wash it out. I'm still picking the cooked egg out of my hair. FML

by EggHead / 05/03/2014 at 12:57am / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I talked to my crush for half an hour. It wasn't until I was home that I realised I had some remains of the sausage roll I ate an hour earlier spread all over my teeth. FML

by Rollymouth / 09/01/2010 at 9:26pm / Love

Today, I went to choir rehearsal at 7:30 in the morning. When the guy I have a major crush on stood next to me, I got really excited, so I tried to sound good. After the song ended, he asked me if I wanted some gum to cover up my morning breath. FML

by snowinggrey / 02/18/2012 at 11:03pm / United States / Love

Today, I blushed when a fortune cookie said "You have the attitude of a winner." My self esteem is so low. FML

by FML / 01/18/2012 at 2:41pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was called an 'unhelpful little bitch' by a customer, after I informed her that we couldn't order a pair of shoes she wanted from the company in her size because it's a discontinued model. This little tirade continued for another few minutes, with her insulting me and my intelligence. FML

by Unhelpful / 02/06/2012 at 11:27pm / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, I awoke to the sound of my neighbor's attacking my car with a baseball bat accusing me of calling the cops on them. I did call the cops on them, after they screamed at me last night, drunkenly, to call the cops for them because they thought they were being robbed. FML

by Anonymous / 10/11/2015 at 11:34am / United States (Kentucky) / Transportation

Today, I went to Hollister with my grandmother. She immediately started yelling about the music being too loud, and ordered the staff to "shut the damn thing off". She was yelling at a bunch of mannequins. FML

by time to put you down, gran / 12/01/2012 at 5:53pm / United States / Miscellaneous