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Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She got incredibly excited and started flapping her hands around. Then she suddenly went deadpan and said "But seriously... no." FML

by Anonymous / 10/31/2015 at 3:19am / United States (Washington) / Love

Today, my mom admitted that she always makes me put away the dishes because my obsessive compulsive tendencies force me to arrange the glasses and silverware by size, just the way she likes them. FML

by Awesome. / 09/14/2011 at 10:35pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, in the early hours of the morning, I woke up in sleep paralysis, hallucinating the sight of children hanging from the ceiling. Now I'm scared to sleep. FML

by bwoolf96 / 09/10/2015 at 8:32am / Health

Today, I asked my husband if he could at least try to give me an orgasm. His response? "Um... why?" FML

by not satisfied / 02/11/2016 at 12:06pm / United States (Missouri) / Intimacy

Today, at my daughter's fundraiser, I noticed that a guy with a face only a fist could love kept staring at her. I said "Beautiful, isn't she?" Before I could tell him to keep it in his damned pants, he replied "Hah. She's my girlfriend, dude. Total beast in the sack." Complete news to me on both counts. FML

by Anonymous / 01/27/2016 at 11:35am / United States (Kansas) / Kids

Today, my girlfriend randomly confessed to basically having a "phobia" of monogamy. But don't worry, she defensively assured me she's never ever cheated on me, even though I never said she had, so I guess that's okay then. FML

by well then / 05/30/2015 at 1:40am / United States (Georgia) / Love

Today, my girlfriend got pissed when I told her she needed to brush her teeth more than once a day. I could smell her breath from across the bed. FML

by TwiceDaily,Kids / 04/05/2012 at 8:41pm / United States / Health

Today, my rarely-romantic boyfriend finally said "I love you". Too bad he was drunk, and was talking to my vagina. FML

by Queen LaQueefah / 09/13/2015 at 7:52am / United Kingdom (Derbyshire) / Intimacy

Today, I was outside, eating a sandwich, when I noticed a homeless man was standing in front of me. Upon making eye contact, he grabbed the rest of my sandwich and ran off. FML

by Anonymous / 11/12/2010 at 4:31pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, my family and I noticed that our Christmas tree had been stolen from our front garden. Last night, a group of girls from my village posted a status on Facebook stating how drunk they were, and how they had stolen a Christmas tree. I "liked" it. FML

by Marcella_03 / 12/05/2009 at 8:22am / United Kingdom (London) / Miscellaneous

Today, my sister presented me with an "official pet killer" award after yet another goldfish under my care died of unknown causes. FML

by fish killer / 03/25/2011 at 5:52pm / United States (Illinois) / Animals

Today, I was checking out a customer who seemed quite friendly. As I finished, he reached slightly over the counter and I impulsively reached out and shook his hand. He gave me a dumbfounded look and said, "Can I have my change please?" FML

by charishard / 05/04/2013 at 1:17am / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, I warned my boss that I couldn't take part in a very important meeting I've been working on for 6 months (my son is ill). "Never mind" he said, "We'll just put a pot plant on your seat". FML

by Butterfly / 12/07/2008 at 10:21pm / Love