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Today, after spending the past 4 days asking both my husband and my father-in-law to salt our sidewalk, I slipped on the ice. I hit my head on our concrete stairs. While holding ice on my head, my father-in-law pats my head and says "I'll go get some salt." FML

by SnowyConcussion / 12/23/2009 at 9:30am / United States (Maryland) / Health

Today, while life-guarding, I had to explain to teenage boys that shoving objects up each others' butts and complaining that someone was giving them anal was inappropriate at a family facility in front of kids under the age of 10. FML

by kaitlyna15 / 07/31/2012 at 9:54pm / United States (Washington) / Work

Today, my girlfriend called me and said she needs to take a break from our relationship. Why? Her really clingy ex is really depressed about her dating someone else and he isn't ready to accept it. So she wants to take a break "for his sake" until he's over her. FML

by Anonymous / 07/26/2015 at 12:36pm / Finland (Western Finland) / Love

Today, I set up a miniature nativity scene in my apartment. Three hours ago, my dog decided it would be a good idea to eat baby Jesus. Two hours ago, the vet laughed and said not to worry because I would 'have him back in time for Christmas'. FML

by gettingacat / 12/17/2009 at 9:32am / United States (California) / Animals

Today, I put my hamster in his ball, and spent about an hour cleaning his cage. When I came back, I realized he wasn't even alive. FML

by Chris / 02/13/2010 at 12:04am / United States (California) / Animals

Today, I was at a concert and an older man offered to let me stand in front of him because I'm short. It wasn't until the show started and people were jumping around did I realize he had a boner and was repeatedly bumping into me. FML

by Lin / 03/02/2010 at 12:57am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She got incredibly excited and started flapping her hands around. Then she suddenly went deadpan and said "But seriously... no." FML

by Anonymous / 10/31/2015 at 3:19am / United States (Washington) / Love

Today, I finally told my girlfriend I love her. She corrected my grammar. FML

by ITalkGood / 12/27/2009 at 7:37pm / Love

Today, my sister presented me with an "official pet killer" award after yet another goldfish under my care died of unknown causes. FML

by fish killer / 03/25/2011 at 5:52pm / United States (Illinois) / Animals

Today, I read that egg whites make a good hair treatment. Everything was going fine until, without thinking, I turned the hot water on to wash it out. I'm still picking the cooked egg out of my hair. FML

by EggHead / 05/03/2014 at 12:57am / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was checking out a customer who seemed quite friendly. As I finished, he reached slightly over the counter and I impulsively reached out and shook his hand. He gave me a dumbfounded look and said, "Can I have my change please?" FML

by charishard / 05/04/2013 at 1:17am / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, my girlfriend randomly confessed to basically having a "phobia" of monogamy. But don't worry, she defensively assured me she's never ever cheated on me, even though I never said she had, so I guess that's okay then. FML

by well then / 05/30/2015 at 1:40am / United States (Georgia) / Love

Today, my girlfriend got pissed when I told her she needed to brush her teeth more than once a day. I could smell her breath from across the bed. FML

by TwiceDaily,Kids / 04/05/2012 at 8:41pm / United States / Health