Choose the period

Choose a category

Today, I woke up to a bloody nose. Instead of rushing to the bathroom, I creatively dripped the blood over a knife for photography class because the assignment was to show emotion. So many of the students and faculty were disturbed that I'm now forced to talk to the school psychologist. FML

by rhartnett11 / 02/16/2011 at 7:56am / Miscellaneous

Today, I set up a miniature nativity scene in my apartment. Three hours ago, my dog decided it would be a good idea to eat baby Jesus. Two hours ago, the vet laughed and said not to worry because I would 'have him back in time for Christmas'. FML

by gettingacat / 12/17/2009 at 9:32am / United States (California) / Animals

Today, my girlfriend is angry with me. We had an argument on how to properly eat an Oreo. FML

by Anonymous / 05/31/2015 at 4:36pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, I picked off what I thought was a small bug feeding on my skin. I was wrong. It was a mole. I spent the last 30 minutes trying to stop the continuous bleeding. FML

by c.hip / 08/18/2011 at 11:22pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, I picked up my car from the repair shop, drove two miles, and ran out of gas. I then walked to get gas, put a gallon of gas in the car, and tried to start it. The battery was too weak to start the car, and died on the spot. FML

by 303 / 07/05/2012 at 4:24pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I insulted my younger sister's hamster. She then smashed me with a stool. FML

by HttpsHaileyy / 06/15/2015 at 4:02pm / United States / Kids

Today, my husband and I got into a fight because I refused to let him use my finger nail to clean the plaque off his teeth. FML

by Anonymous / 03/08/2012 at 7:30pm / Canada / Love

Today, my sister presented me with an "official pet killer" award after yet another goldfish under my care died of unknown causes. FML

by fish killer / 03/25/2011 at 5:52pm / United States (Illinois) / Animals

Today, I finally found out why my new co-worker has been shooting me dirty looks, being rude to me, and generally trying to avoid me. It's because I have blonde hair and blue eyes, and she thinks people like me are Nazis. FML

by Anonymous / 10/17/2015 at 8:29am / Australia (New South Wales) / Love

Today, I learned that everyone at college was calling me "Parallel Lines" because I've got an unibrow and an apparent hairiness over my mouth. By the way, I'm a girl. FML

by Anonymous / 11/08/2010 at 1:16pm / Miscellaneous

Today, I talked to my crush for half an hour. It wasn't until I was home that I realised I had some remains of the sausage roll I ate an hour earlier spread all over my teeth. FML

by Rollymouth / 09/01/2010 at 9:26pm / Love

Today, someone stole my iPhone. I used the Find My iPhone app, and located it in the apartment building next to mine. I can hear the ringing sound I've activated, but nobody will answer the door. FML

by Anonymous / 11/14/2012 at 12:50pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I'm on vacation in Japan with my brother. When he said he could speak Japanese, I guess what he really meant that he's a dumbass weeaboo who only knows the words "kawaii", "baka", "sugoi" and a few others. He ended up offending two locals so much that they beat the shit out of us. FML

by Anonymous / 09/16/2015 at 1:16pm / Japan / Health