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Today, I went on a blind date. All my date would talk about was how he was 'really his own best friend.' FML

by SoccerBabe42 / 12/26/2011 at 7:11am / Canada / Love

Today, I was excited to start my new job. It was only when I was leaving after a long 8 hour day did I realize all of the personal documents I had I brought in for paperwork had been stolen. I am now down a passport, social security card, and wallet. Great first day. FML

by evenpoorer / 03/16/2010 at 1:19am / United States (Idaho) / Work

Today, I returned a friends jacket after borrowing it. I made sure to wash it and keep it clean. When he went to put it on, a pair of my granny panties fell out of the sleeve. FML

by ewwy / 10/10/2010 at 2:54am / United States (Tennessee) / Miscellaneous

Today, I caught my mother trying to switch my contraceptive pill for Tic Tacs. I don't know what's worse - how far she will go to have a grandchild, or that she thought I wouldn't notice that my birth control left me with minty fresh breath. FML

by Username / 11/25/2012 at 6:36pm / United Kingdom (Newcastle upon Tyne) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend is angry with me. We had an argument on how to properly eat an Oreo. FML

by Anonymous / 05/31/2015 at 4:36pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, I had my wisdom teeth taken out. I vaguely remember telling the doctor that I'm a virgin. Several times. FML

by NOIDIDNOT / 11/19/2012 at 1:21am / United States (Arizona) / Health

Today, we finally got our first electricity bill for our new flat. I was shocked to see that we had used £60 worth of electricity in 6 weeks. Then I noticed that it was only an estimate, and that we could read the meter ourselves to correct the amount. We now have to pay nearly £400. FML

by Anonymous / 10/28/2009 at 10:47am / United Kingdom (Birmingham) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was having cybersex via webcam with my boyfriend. Trying to be as sexy as I could, I started sucking on my finger. Judging by the look on my boyfriend's face, he was getting really into it. As I started getting into it too, I shoved my finger too far down and puked all over my laptop. FML

by BARF / 04/27/2009 at 9:51am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I came home after a two week vacation to find that my wonderful dog had pooped and peed all over my room. My mother was kind enough to dog-sit; however, instead of helping me by cleaning up the horrid mess, she just left me coupons for Glade plug-in air fresheners. FML

by PuppyLove2009 / 11/13/2009 at 1:34pm / United States (California) / Animals

Today, my friends took my phone and changed all the contact's names to characters from Harry Potter. I have over a hundred contacts and no idea who I'm talking to. I've been texting Draco Malfoy for 4 hours now. FML

by MissMSE / 09/18/2009 at 4:41am / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I surprised my daughter by telling her that I'm going to treat the family to a trip to the Himalayas in a few months. She promptly threw a tantrum and listed her main reasons for not wanting us to go: "It's a freaking desert there," and, "I'll miss the new Spiderman movie." FML

by neverakid / 04/13/2012 at 9:01pm / United States / Kids

Today, I finally convinced my son to use the potty. Later, he saw a show on TV about a toilet monster. Now he's too scared to even step foot into the bathroom. Here's to another few months of diaper changes. FML

by Anonymous / 06/01/2010 at 12:43pm / United States (New York) / Kids

Today, I was at a concert and an older man offered to let me stand in front of him because I'm short. It wasn't until the show started and people were jumping around did I realize he had a boner and was repeatedly bumping into me. FML

by Lin / 03/02/2010 at 12:57am / United States (California) / Intimacy