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Today, my mum decided to teach me a lesson about carelessly leaving my wallet about. She left it on the floor so our puppy could use it and its contents as a chew toy. I was almost impressed to discover that he can eat three £20 notes and still have room for debit cards. FML

by MR / 03/10/2010 at 1:37pm / United Kingdom / Money

Today, it was my first day working at a library. I expected it to be fun and peaceful, not to end up having to call the cops on a guy who started jerking off into a book. FML

by fishingforubies2 / 07/24/2015 at 10:02am / Aruba / Work

Today, I went through my spam folder. I found out that I'd received several emails telling me that I have been sending emails containing essays for a class of mine to the wrong address. The term ended yesterday. FML

by Anonymous / 11/08/2010 at 12:02am / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, a male friend of mine tried to kiss me. When I shoved him away and demanded to know what the fuck he was doing, he said he didn't think I was really a lesbian because I went on a date with a guy. Once. Over 15 years ago. FML

by Tag / 09/06/2015 at 8:54pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Love

Today, I walked in on my mom, legs spread and changing her tampon, all while she was carrying on a conversation on the phone. FML

by lobotomy pls / 09/11/2015 at 2:40pm / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy

Today, my school's theater production was canceled. Not because of budget, but because my co-star fell in love with me and asked me out. When I pointedly declined, he refused to act alongside me since it was "awkward." Everyone's blaming me for it. FML

by Anonymous / 11/30/2015 at 11:34am / United States (New York) / Love

Today, I realized that I have completely fallen for this incredible guy, and that I am really looking forward to where our relationship will take us. He just informed me that he will be doing jail time following his court date Tuesday. FML

by brokenrelicslost / 01/08/2010 at 3:06pm / United States (Michigan) / Love

Today, we finally got our first electricity bill for our new flat. I was shocked to see that we had used £60 worth of electricity in 6 weeks. Then I noticed that it was only an estimate, and that we could read the meter ourselves to correct the amount. We now have to pay nearly £400. FML

by Anonymous / 10/28/2009 at 10:47am / United Kingdom (Birmingham) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was robbed of five bucks by a vending machine that said "Enjoy Life!" FML

by lovelife / 09/27/2010 at 9:09am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, it was my 16th birthday. My surprise was a new car, that is now in the side of the garage because my mom lost control while driving it around front. FML

by Anonymous / 04/14/2012 at 12:57am / United States (Kentucky) / Miscellaneous

Today, I sat down on a chair after my very large boss sat on it all day. When I got up, my pants were damp. FML

by Anonymous / 05/18/2012 at 7:49am / United States / Work

Today, I was undressing for my girlfriend. I thought I was being all smooth and sexy, until I went to sit on the side of the bed and beckon her over. Instead, I sat heavily on my balls, screamed, then fell off the bed sobbing like a girl. FML

by Anonymous / 08/25/2015 at 3:32am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, the toilet on the top floor of my house burst, soaked the bathroom, and water dripped down into the kitchen and the basement for hours when nobody was home. Eight blowers and a dehumidifier later, the house is about 90 degrees and I can't leave. FML

by wet / 04/23/2011 at 2:33pm / United States (Indiana) / Miscellaneous