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Today, my mum decided to teach me a lesson about carelessly leaving my wallet about. She left it on the floor so our puppy could use it and its contents as a chew toy. I was almost impressed to discover that he can eat three £20 notes and still have room for debit cards. FML

by MR / 03/10/2010 at 1:37pm / United Kingdom / Money

Today, it's my first day-off for the holidays. Today is also the day they decided to start building a house next to mine. I can't sleep beyond 7 am. FML

by dentinpalevo / 12/29/2009 at 2:29am / Cyprus (Limassol) / Miscellaneous

Today, my father told me to take the car and get some groceries. An hour and a half later, coming home with the groceries, I see the cops all around my house because my dad had called them, thinking that I had run away and stolen the car. FML

by me / 11/11/2012 at 11:30pm / United States (Indiana) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was introducing my American cousin to the peaceful English village I live in. Just as I was reassuring her that the people were very friendly and welcoming, a car drove past and pelted us with eggs. FML

by egghead / 09/23/2011 at 4:31am / United Kingdom / Transportation

Today, my boyfriend and I went mini golfing with his family. We had a competition going on, and when I managed to get two consecutive holes in one, he started seething and muttered that I'm dangerously close to becoming single. FML

by Jacquelinez / 05/20/2012 at 2:20pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, was the first time giving head to my boyfriend. He couldn't finish, so I tried a handjob. In the end he kind of pushed my hand away so he could finish himself off. FML

by anonymous / 11/01/2015 at 10:13pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, while working at a children's day camp, one of the kids who is allergic to peanuts went into anaphylactic shock. I ran and grabbed the boys eppe pen. I was holding it backwards so the injection went into my hand, causing me to pass out and both of us to be rushed to hospital. FML

by MC / 05/14/2009 at 10:11am / Canada (Ontario) / Work

Today, I went to visit my alcoholic father. He remembered to ask me how my dog Reggie is, but could not remember the name of "my pal." My "pal" is also my wife of four years. FML

by Anonymous / 09/05/2011 at 9:03pm / United States / Animals

Today, I found out that I am allergic to grass, and not supposed to mow lawns. My job is mowing lawns. FML

by jobless / 05/16/2012 at 3:36am / United States (Massachusetts) / Work

Today, I had an outdoor meeting with some important clients. It wasn't until the meeting was over that my coworker decided to inform me that I had bird poop in my hair "pretty much the entire time." FML

by lily_marleen / 05/17/2015 at 5:27pm / Germany (Bayern) / Work

Today, as I was cashing a customer out, he stopped me in the middle of the transaction just to tell me that the condoms he was buying are too big for him. FML

by rxcrs3 / 08/09/2012 at 2:44am / United States / Intimacy

Today, I had to explain to someone that all beverages, except plain water, actually have calories. They weren't too happy that their milkshake diet was over before it began. FML

by technical / 03/30/2015 at 10:50pm / United States (Washington) / Health

Today, I was attacked by a bird at 3 in the morning. The bird was being attacked by an owl, and decided the safest place to land wasn't in a tree, but my face. No-one will believe me, despite the 12 stitches across my face. FML

by Anonymous / 02/08/2012 at 12:45pm / Miscellaneous