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Friday 4 April 2014

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Today, I found out that the squeaking I've heard for the past three months, that I thought was my guinea pig, is actually my girlfriend cheating on me with my older brother. FML

by Anonymous / 04/05/2014 at 10:27am / United States (Massachusetts) / Intimacy

Today, my overly-attached 14-year-old cat wanted attention while I was in a heated Skype argument with my girlfriend. Worked up from the fight, I raised my voice and said, "Not now, go away!" He ran to his little bed, had a heart attack and died. I was a complete dick to my cat in his last moments. FML

by Brody89 / 04/09/2014 at 2:40pm / United States (Washington) / Animals

Today, my in-laws moved in. FML

by Great / 04/08/2014 at 9:42pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom brought her sleazy boyfriend home. He took one look at me, swatted my ass, and said, "It runs in the family." My mom just laughed and winked at me, and mouthed, "He's a keeper!" FML

by wiona / 04/03/2014 at 1:22pm / United States (Connecticut) / Love

Today, my girlfriend and I were snuggling and we placed our hands together, palm to palm. I can bend the tips of my fingers over hers, which apparently surprised her because she commented, "Huh, so big hands AREN'T related to penis size." FML

by Anonymous / 04/01/2014 at 2:06am / United States (Oregon) / Intimacy

Today, my neighbor asked to come over and use my laptop. She showed up drunk, grabbed my boobs, and asked if I'd ever had a lesbian experience. We both have husbands and kids; the kids were in the room. FML

by freakedout / 04/10/2014 at 10:32pm / United States (Kentucky) / Intimacy

Today, I graduated from Basic Training. I was really looking forward to seeing my family after being away for almost three months. They decided not to come to graduation because they didn't want to spend the money to travel here. They live 30 minutes away. FML

by CheapFamily / 04/09/2014 at 7:47pm / United States / Money

Today, I was feeling horny, so I told my boyfriend, who lives 30 minutes away, that "I really needed him". He replied, "Did you fall in the toilet again?" FML

by that girl / 04/08/2014 at 7:06pm / United States (Alabama) / Intimacy

Today, my 14-year-old son's pathetic rebellion came to a head. He ran away from home, leaving a note saying he hates me and was leaving forever to be part of a gang his friends had formed. He came back an hour later crying. His whole gang had gotten mugged, which he somehow blamed me for. FML

by I Have Failed / 04/02/2014 at 4:10pm / Spain (Madrid) / Kids

Today, my little brother was feeling like the god damned bratty douchebag he is and hurled a basketball at me. It missed, hit the wall, and rebounded straight into his face. He burst into tears, and I'm now grounded because my parents believed him when he said I threw it at him. FML

by vreenya / 04/08/2014 at 4:13pm / Chile (Region Metropolitana) / Kids

Today, the guy I live with demanded that I get a job or start paying rent. It'd be perfectly reasonable, if he wasn't my husband, and if I hadn't just given birth to our first child. FML

by Anonymous / 04/11/2014 at 7:49pm / United Kingdom (Bristol, City of) / Kids

Today, I'm in the process of adopting a child. When I called my mom to tell her the news, she just said, "Oh honey, don't adopt, it's the worst decision you'll ever make." I'm adopted. FML

by babylove / 04/11/2014 at 5:58pm / South Africa / Kids

Today, I went to my crush's house. We were watching a movie when suddenly he started kissing me. As it deepened he began to feel around. He was groping my armpit the whole time but I was too embarrassed that my underarm could pass for my boobs to redirect him. FML

by armtits and big pits / 04/05/2014 at 3:14am / United States (Florida) / Intimacy