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Tuesday 5 November 2013

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, while teaching juniors about black holes, I said, "Imagine everything being sucked into a black hole." An African-American student shouted, "I'd better start clenching!" Nobody took the lesson seriously after that. FML

#20946225
140 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44470) - you deserved it (5393)

On 11/05/2013 at 8:22am - work - by regretsteachinghighschool - United States (Minnesota)

Today, my boyfriend's response to me saying "Most women like a bit of filth in the bedroom every now and again" was to start farting in bed. Not quite what I meant. FML

#20946422
78 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44431) - you deserved it (10714)

On 11/05/2013 at 1:01pm - intimacy - by roughsexgonewrong (woman) - United Kingdom (London, City of)

Today, at a grocery store, a man came up to me while I was picking out apples and whispered in my ear, "That's how Snow White died." FML

#20947922
118 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44395) - you deserved it (4046)

On 11/06/2013 at 4:16pm - misc - by awkward - Canada (Alberta)

Today, she did it again. While I was minding my own business reading the paper, she casually walked up to me and slashed my face with her nails, drawing blood and screams of pain. I need to get out of this abusive relationship, but no one will adopt my asshole of a cat. FML

#20950555
221 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44313) - you deserved it (8204)

On 11/08/2013 at 6:02pm - animals - by Anonymous (man) - Canada (Alberta)

Today, I found out that my sex face is definitely amusing after the third girl in a row started laughing at it. FML

#20945549
96 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44306) - you deserved it (8120)

On 11/04/2013 at 7:25pm - intimacy - by UnfortunatelyAmusing (man) - United States (New Jersey)

Today, while taking an order over the phone for the customer at work, I began to hear slight moans. The moans gradually became faster and louder, until climax was achieved and I realized I was being used for phone sex. FML

#20955245
101 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44273) - you deserved it (3595)

On 11/12/2013 at 3:29pm - work - by long day - United States (Michigan)

Today, I googled myself in preparation for my upcoming job interview. Turns out there's a girl on Twitter with my name and age who tweets nonstop about getting wasted and being on probation. She won't make her profile private. FML

#20944947
143 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44053) - you deserved it (3138)

On 11/04/2013 at 7:08am - work - by twitterfailsme (woman) - Israel (HaMerkaz)

Today, the guy I really like asked me if I'd like to go to a hockey game this weekend. I said I'd love to go, so he said, "Then you'd best get a ticket soon before they sell out." I still don't know if I have a date or not. FML

#20947685
110 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44024) - you deserved it (4168)

On 11/06/2013 at 12:29pm - love - by Anonymous - United States (Iowa)

Today, despite my fear of using public restrooms, I was forced to anyway to avoid my bladder exploding. I was finally getting over it when someone stuck their head under the stall to "see if someone's in there". I'm scared more now than I was before. FML

#20947778
112 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43988) - you deserved it (4621)

On 11/06/2013 at 2:09pm - misc - by s3xygrandpa (woman) - United States (Florida)

Today, somebody broke into my car, just to steal the obviously fake $1,000,000 bill hanging from my rear-view mirror. FML

#20951747
93 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43886) - you deserved it (10700)

On 11/09/2013 at 6:27pm - money - by jsyn (man) - United States (Connecticut)

Today, I walked under a tree and heard birds chirping from above. I stopped and looked up, only to catch a face full of bird shit. FML

#20947706
72 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43787) - you deserved it (8851)

On 11/06/2013 at 1:08pm - animals - by lbg2msf (man) - United States (Mississippi)

Today, I was in a public restroom when my almost-2-year-old figured out how to open the door and run out. Half-a-dozen strangers watched me scramble to pull up my pants and moon everyone before running after her. FML

#20948920
101 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43215) - you deserved it (4096)

On 11/07/2013 at 10:23am - kids - by Anonymous (woman) - United States

Today, I was quizzing a girl at my college, and I noticed that when she answered a question, her ears wiggled. It was cute, so I pointed it out. She burst into tears, and the guy next to me said, "Way to make her feel insecure, douchebag." FML



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