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Wednesday 11 September 2013

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Today, I taught my kid how to mow the lawn. It's a self-propelling mower so it's easy to handle. My kid thought it would be smart to tie the handle down so that he wouldn't have to push it at all. This resulted in the lawn mower blasting through our fence and sinking into my neighbor's pool. FML

by Anonymous / 09/12/2013 at 1:18am / United States / Kids

Today, I went to my insurance company to deal with some paperwork. One of their employees backed into my car before I made it into the building. FML

by Sean / 09/09/2013 at 5:04pm / United States / Money

Today, I accidentally punched myself in the mouth while eating a Go-Gurt. I was eating it because I'd just had my wisdom teeth removed. FML

by GogurtBadass / 09/18/2013 at 12:55pm / United States (Washington) / Health

Today, my boss decided that we no longer have to clock out for cigarette breaks, but we do for toilet breaks. I'm the only non-smoker on my floor, and I'm getting penalised for it. FML

by Anon / 09/18/2013 at 1:48pm / United Kingdom / Work

Today, it was my first day closing alone at a pet store when a lady came in wanting to return a bird she bought months ago. Once I informed her there were no returns on livestock, she let the bird free and ran out the door, leaving me to catch it and explain to my manager where it came from. FML

by tay / 09/17/2013 at 11:44am / Canada (Ontario) / Work

Today, as I was getting my nails done at a salon, the owner pulled my head back against the chair in front of all the customers and began to tweeze my eyebrows. When I exclaimed that I didn't pay for that service, she replied, "I don't care. This needs done." FML

by BaMiTsAnYa / 09/15/2013 at 9:21pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, my grandparents came over for a family dinner. I'm somewhat overweight, and my grandma kept making sound effects in time with me doing pretty much anything. When I complained to my dad after she made a long farting sound as I sat down, he told me to suck it up. FML

by Anonymous / 09/13/2013 at 1:06pm / Ireland (Donegal) / Kids

Today, while chatting with a friend online, I told her that Kristen Stewart isn't going to star in the 50 Shades movie as she originally thought. She then spammed me with so many "NO"/"NO WAY" messages that my crappy laptop froze up, forcing me to reboot and lose a ton of unsaved essay notes. FML

by CHEERS, TUMBLTARD / 09/13/2013 at 5:31pm / Miscellaneous

Today, my 16-year-old cousin came to visit for the week. So far, she's said "raunchy", "cray-cray", "legit", and "like" an uncountable number of times. She's only been here for a half hour. FML

by Anonymous / 09/14/2013 at 5:51pm / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous

Today, my self-esteem sank so low that I sabotaged my workplace's corporate network, then fixed it, just so I could feel needed. FML

by sysadmin:~# rm -rf / / 09/12/2013 at 3:40pm / New Zealand (Auckland) / Work

Today, my girlfriend came home with a huge bouquet of roses. They were from an admirer, brainwashing her to think I'm a terrible boyfriend for not buying her flowers like he did. FML

by Oh hells no / 09/16/2013 at 3:26am / United States (California) / Love

Today, at a family party, my uncles were complimenting my mom on her pies. I cooked them. She took all the credit. FML

by zachadams / 09/16/2013 at 5:03pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, at my first day on the job, a customer threatened my life because our vending machine had run out of Doritos. FML

by Anonynommer / 09/13/2013 at 7:13pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Work