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Wednesday 14 August 2013

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, my house was broken into. After we called the police, my dad started calling himself Sherlock Holmes and talking in a British accent. He insists on calling me Watson. He is going around the neighborhood acting like Sherlock, investigating stuff. He won't stop. FML

Today, on the train, I was sitting next to a homeless man. As we left the train he shook my hand and was seemingly on his way. That was until he caught me greeting my boyfriend, to which he decided to tell the romantic story of how he murdered a man for "getting too close to his woman." FML

#20845971
53 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40165) - you deserved it (2762)

On 08/20/2013 at 4:38am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United Kingdom (Essex)

Today, my superior gave me a box of ethernet cables which were previously attached to mainframes storing classified data. He requested I cut them in half so that the residual data would leak out. Not only does this guy make twice my salary, there was no convincing him otherwise. We cut them up. FML

Today, I went to my car to get a few things, when I discovered it had been broken into. Nothing of value was taken. My window was busted in just for a pack of cigarettes, a lighter, and my car ash tray. FML

#20833889
142 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40120) - you deserved it (6419)

On 08/12/2013 at 2:54pm - misc - by amayasoma - United States (Louisiana)

Today, I was at the gym when I noticed a girl I like working out on the elliptical. I went to go say hi, but chickened out and went to run on the treadmill in front of her instead. I was so nervous that I tripped and the machine threw me headfirst into her machine. FML

#20839453
72 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40009) - you deserved it (8091)

On 08/15/2013 at 10:32pm - love - by ZeroLuck (man) - United States (Florida)

Today, I walked in on my brother smoking weed. He immediately tried to hide it by dropping it down his pants, still lit. Screaming in pain, he pulled down his pants. The ashes burned his knob. I had to take him to the emergency room. FML

Today, I accidentally hit an elderly man while driving. The police came, and five minutes later I was told that he confessed to walking in the middle of the road to get hit and claim compensation. He was fine, but I still got charged for hitting a pedestrian. FML

#20843576
87 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39843) - you deserved it (4419)

On 08/18/2013 at 7:23pm - misc - by FMLdude - Australia (New South Wales)

Today, I was watching TV with my boyfriend, when a weird wart-removal ad came on. He watched in disgust as the lady's wart said rude things to her. Then he looked at me and said seriously, "I'm glad yours don't talk..." FML

#20842136
52 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39789) - you deserved it (4318)

On 08/17/2013 at 8:27pm - love - by WartCream - United States (Kansas)

Today, I got my girlfriend to play Smash Bros Brawl with me. As it was her first time, I set up handicaps to give her at least a shot at winning. She won, quite handily. A little irritated at this, I took off the handicaps and tried again. She beat me even faster. FML

#20847705
148 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39664) - you deserved it (23630)

On 08/21/2013 at 11:17am - misc - by Loser (man) - United States

Today, I found out that while having a GPS tracker in your car is helpful for tracking down car thieves, it's also helpful to your psycho ex, who can use it to track you down. FML

#20846264
56 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39636) - you deserved it (3232)

On 08/20/2013 at 12:28pm - misc - by nobieb (woman) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, my drunk mom kicked me out of my own birthday party, calling me a "party-pooper" and saying I was killing everyone's buzz. FML

#20843210
39 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39311) - you deserved it (3887)

On 08/18/2013 at 2:22pm - misc - by 12345678910 (man) - United States (New York)

Today, while working as a swim instructor, I started singing the hokey pokey to get all the kids used to putting their faces in the water. One of the kids was covering his ears. When I asked him why, he said "because you were singing." He's 3. FML

#20842523
45 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39286) - you deserved it (6047)

On 08/18/2013 at 12:35am - kids - by Anonymous (woman) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I was eating with my grandma and her sister, who don't get along. I went to the bathroom for just 2 minutes, only to come back to find pancakes everywhere and our plates smashed on the ground. They got into a "little argument". FML

#20835313
52 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39254) - you deserved it (3060)

On 08/13/2013 at 12:01pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Illinois)



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