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Friday 26 July 2013

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Today, I was taken to the hospital after I fell down the stairs. The physician who saw me bit his lip and said he would have to amputate my foot, and I fainted in terror. One of the nurses later told me to "learn to take a damn joke." FML

by picklebug / 07/26/2013 at 12:25pm / United States (Minnesota) / Health

Today, I did a photoshoot with my boyfriend and his buddy. We drove out to the countryside and set up on top of a hill. My boyfriend kept having me move further and further back. I eventually fell and rolled down the steep hill, while he and his buddy high-fived each other. FML

by -_- / 07/28/2013 at 6:58pm / United Kingdom (Birmingham) / Miscellaneous

Today, I helped my buddy write a sweet love letter to his girlfriend. After reading it, she dumped him for being an "Edward Cullen wannabe", and when my girlfriend found out, she dumped me for "cheating" on her by writing the letter in the first place. FML

by ........................... / 07/25/2013 at 12:17pm / Mexico (Distrito Federal) / Love

Today, my husband bought me a big box of tampons. He claims to know when my period is about to start before I do. Sadly, he's right. FML

by RayneWolf13 / 07/31/2013 at 2:31am / United States (Arkansas) / Love

Today, I was at Walmart. A guy in a mobility scooter bumped into me, then told me to "get the fuck out of the way." When I told him to watch his mouth, he got up and shoved me into a shelf. Just a few minutes prior, he'd yelled that he was paralyzed from the waist down. FML

by Anonymous / 07/22/2013 at 12:53pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out why we've had to replace 3 washing machines this year. My sister thinks that "huge capacity" means "load the washing machine until no more clothes will fit." It blows the motor every time. She's 31. FML

by kilamo80 / 07/27/2013 at 5:26am / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I finally felt ready to make love to my boyfriend for the first time. It all went great, until I tried putting the condom on him. In the process, I managed to nick his penis not once, but three times with my nails. His eyes brimmed with tears and he completely lost his erection. FML

by fuck but no fuck / 08/02/2013 at 3:44pm / South Africa (Gauteng) / Intimacy

Today, a customer pulled a knife on me after I informed him that we'd run out of avocados to put on his pizza. FML

by are these people even HUMAN? / 08/01/2013 at 11:18am / United States (Tennessee) / Work

Today, we got a new employee at work. I said hi, and told her that if she needed help figuring out our computer system, then to give me a call. She promptly accused me of sexual harassment and filed a complaint against me. FML

by OfficeDroneWoman / 07/23/2013 at 1:16pm / United States (Maryland) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my horse farted and scared itself, then ran all the way up the hill and wouldn't stop until I fell off. FML

by mishyb / 07/28/2013 at 12:28am / United States (Colorado) / Animals

Today, a drunk dude walked up to me and said, "You're ugly as fuck." His sober friend quickly apologized and explained that he was wasted, before looking me up and down and adding "Well, not completely, I guess." FML

by GeeThanks / 07/24/2013 at 10:33pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I came home to find that my mother had cleaned my room, and she'd done a very good job, too. So good in fact, that she even managed to remove all of the furniture, replacing it with a note that said, "It's time to go, sweetie XO". FML

by Anonymous / 07/25/2013 at 2:04am / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous

Today, I attended the funeral of a close friend. Most of the other guests were openly grinning and joking around, and the guy in front of me kept muttering "that's what she said" during the eulogy. FML

by fuck people / 08/02/2013 at 4:58pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous