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Thursday 21 March 2013

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Today, for the sixth time in a row, I was driving my kid to school and he made me late for work. Why? He was whacking off instead of getting ready. FML

by Why son, why? / 03/20/2013 at 7:07am / United States / Intimacy

Today, I found out I'm failing school. Why am I failing? Because I work 60 hours a week. Why do I work 60 hours a week? To pay for school. FML

by school issues / 03/28/2013 at 10:26am / United States / Work

Today, I was feeling sick and fainted while teaching my kindergarten class. I came to when one boy poured a cup of water on my face. Three kids were crying into my walkie talkie telling the office I was dead, and the rest of the class had disappeared. FML

by kindergarten teacher / 03/23/2013 at 9:25am / United States (California) / Kids

Today, I was on a girls' trip in Las Vegas. I met a cute guy at a bar and we were going back to his hotel room together. On the way up, he asked me how much it would cost. FML

by Hooker / 03/28/2013 at 7:58pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, my superstitious girlfriend of 4 years sneezed in the middle of my proposal. She claimed it was a sign from the universe for us to break up and then immediately left. FML

by lanz4949 / 03/19/2013 at 12:40am / Canada (Alberta) / Love

Today, an attractive guy came up to me and told me that I looked sexy in a picture online. He then asked himself why he had never asked me out before. Apparently, he doesn't remember our 6-month relationship, or how it ended when he slept with my sister. FML

by mcds2 / 03/18/2013 at 4:28am / United States / Love

Today, during a sex ed lesson, we were given a lecture on pregnancy and abortion from the school nurse. Throughout the session she kept repeating, "Of course, Sophie knows ALL about this." The nurse happens to know that my dad's a gynaecologist. That's not what everyone else in the year thinks. FML

by Soph / 03/25/2013 at 5:53pm / United Kingdom (Birmingham) / Miscellaneous

Today, my psycho abstinence-only sex ed teacher claimed condoms give 50% protection at most against pregnancy. I couldn't help but correct her. She apologized for her "mistake", saying, "It's just that we're not ALL sluts, Kara." Now everyone thinks I'm a raging whore. FML

by Anonymous / 03/22/2013 at 8:34pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I realized that the smell of chlorine has started to turn me on, probably because my girlfriend has an indoor pool in her house. Guess who works as a swim instructor. FML

by Anonymous / 03/20/2013 at 12:08pm / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy

Today, I walked into an exam after having stayed up 20 straight hours studying. The professor looked at me and muttered, "Don't bother, I'm failing you either way." FML

by Tired / 03/20/2013 at 4:26pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I came home from a relaxing, peaceful vacation. When I got home my 4-year-old son was free-balling with poop all over his body, screaming "Bob the Builder will kick your ass." The baby sitter is nowhere to be found and I can't get him to stop saying, "I love ass." FML

by Anonymous / 03/27/2013 at 4:00am / United States (California) / Holidays

Today, I saw some pictures of my boyfriend drunkenly kissing his ex on Facebook. I asked him about it, and he reassured me the pictures were from months ago. Unfortunately for him, I happened to notice a small tattoo on his neck. The same tattoo I went with him just last week to get. FML

by kaikaicaligirl / 03/21/2013 at 7:55pm / United States (California) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I found a purse in the school bathroom. When I looked inside, there was an iPod along with some other expensive stuff in it. I took it to the office so the right owner would get it back. The owner passed me in the hall on the way there; she freaked out and punched me in the face. FML

by really? / 03/20/2013 at 12:55am / United States / Miscellaneous