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Thursday 14 March 2013

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Today, I was talking to my boss and he said I was awesome. He went to fist bump me and I missed. FML

by missedfistbump / 03/20/2013 at 10:31am / United States / Work

Today, my girlfriend was giving me head during the horror flick we were watching. Little did I know, my girlfriend isn't a big fan of horror films. It was during a sex scene that intensified the moment. The same sex scene from which emerged a sudden jump-scare. I now have bite marks on my penis. FML

by Cliché... or Touché? / 03/17/2013 at 5:07am / Intimacy

Today, I picked up my new car. The dealer offered to connect my iPhone to the Bluetooth system for me. Once connected it automatically started playing the audiobook I had been listening to over the stereo system. Right on a passage which had an extremely graphic description of anal sex. FML

Today, I was hanging out with my best friend. Depressed, I started telling her about my terrible week. A woman came over and asked me to not be so "whiny and negative" in front of her children. FML

by marisacb / 03/13/2013 at 2:52pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my social anxiety got so bad that I spent an entire raffle game desperately praying that I'd lose miserably, just so I wouldn't have to go up on stage and accept it. FML

Today, my dad has been hitting the bottle, and will only respond to anything I say in a slurred rap. FML

by Anonymous / 03/11/2013 at 10:03am / Sweden (Stockholms Lan) / Miscellaneous

Today, in an attempt to break up with my boyfriend, I told him, "I don't feel a mental connection between us." His reply? "Why do we need a mental connection?" FML

by just physical / 03/17/2013 at 10:45pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, I had to use a public bathroom. I'm pregnant, though I don't really suffer from morning sickness. I do however suffer from sympathy puking, which kicked in with horrifying consequences when someone burst in and started vomiting in one of the other stalls. FML

by Anonymous / 03/16/2013 at 1:31pm / Sweden (Blekinge Lan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I finally made the connection between people in my apartment building flushing their toilets, and my running shower water becoming scalding hot. This wouldn't be quite as bad if there weren't six floors to the building, with twenty units on each. FML

by thirddegreeburned / 03/19/2013 at 1:39pm / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous

Today, my pet parrot learned a new trick. In addition to imitating my dog, and my voice when I call my mother, it can now imitate my sex noises, and likes to screech them whenever someone comes into the room. FML

by Anonymous / 03/12/2013 at 12:43am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I realized just how lonely I am when I started singing and harmonizing with the vacuum cleaner. FML

by anonymous / 03/20/2013 at 1:42am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my 3 year old woke up at 2 am and refused to go back to sleep unless she could sleep with her father and me. Normally we would have said no, but both of us being so tired, we said yes. She slowly kicked me out of my side of the bed and now I have to sleep on the couch. FML

by MissShei / 03/11/2013 at 4:37am / United States (New Hampshire) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, thinking my girlfriend had left her little black thong in the dryer to tease me, I sent her a picture of me seductively posing with it. She didn't text back, but a few hours later my 16 year old daughter asked if she'd left anything in the dryer. FML

by Anonymous / 03/11/2013 at 5:52pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy