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Thursday 14 March 2013

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Today, I found out why the parents whose children I babysit use me so often and on such short notice. It's not because they have abrupt nights out; it's because their kids hate me, and me being around is their way of punishing them. FML

by Anonymous / 03/13/2013 at 10:41am / United States (California) / Work

Today, I asked a traffic cop if it was okay to park my car briefly in a Monday to Friday only parking spot, since it's Saturday. She politely replied I could. I came back less than ten minutes later, only to find a parking ticket stuck to my windshield. FML

by Anonymous / 03/16/2013 at 4:04pm / United States (New Jersey) / Transportation

Today, I woke up to my cat giving birth, on my bed. I adopted her from a friend, who told me she was spayed. Now I have a giant mess and a cat who won't let me move either her or her babies. Guess I'm sleeping on the couch for a while. FML

by DommeAshlee / 03/21/2013 at 2:42pm / South Africa (KwaZulu-Natal) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my fiancée and I showed my mother-in-law a picture of the location at which we'll be holding our wedding reception. It's a beautiful waterfront building overlooking the ocean. She looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Looks like a good place to commit suicide." FML

by Anonymous / 03/14/2013 at 10:40am / Latvia / Miscellaneous

Today, my department found out that we're getting a new supervisor for the third time this month. I joked about how we're like "the foster kid nobody wants." One of my coworkers burst into tears and ran off. I later found out that she had been a foster child and never once had a stable home. FML

by Luke / 03/19/2013 at 5:59am / United States (New York) / Work

Today, I advised my daughter to not drink a Coke before bed. She smiled at me and reassured me that it could be balanced out with sleeping pills. I'm raising a future drug addict. FML

by hejdixjeln / 03/17/2013 at 6:25am / United States (Illinois) / Kids

Today, I told my family I was divorcing my husband. My little sister asked if "we can keep him instead". FML

by Anonymous / 03/16/2013 at 11:51am / United States (Nebraska) / Kids

Today, I asked my boyfriend to give me a back rub. He claimed that he had a sore hand, so I retorted, "You have two hands, right?" Still bitter about not being able to have sex with me while I'm on my period, he shot back, "You have two holes, right?" I give up. FML

by Lilypad / 03/11/2013 at 8:21pm / Intimacy

Today, at college, I finally talked myself into confessing my feelings to a girl I really like. Her response was to threaten to sue me. For what, exactly? I have no goddamned idea. I just don't understand people anymore. FML

by forever single, I guess / 03/15/2013 at 6:43pm / United States / Love

Today, after three years with my boyfriend hardly ever going to any social or public event with me due to his social anxiety, I got to witness him improve his flirting skills on every girl available at his house party. FML

by social anxiety my a** / 03/18/2013 at 10:17am / Switzerland (Zurich) / Love

Today, at work, I walked in on a disoriented elderly woman eating nachos and cheese off the bathroom floor. She wasn't wearing any pants. FML

by Ihatemyjob / 03/17/2013 at 11:14pm / United States (Ohio) / Work

Today, I found out that my recurring acne is actually bedbug bites. I have wasted about a hundred dollars on acne cream. FML

by thisentiretime... / 03/18/2013 at 4:30pm / United States (New Jersey) / Health

Today, while working in childcare, we went to a farm so the kids could see how things worked. They started showing off prize winning cattle and when they bought out "Miss Stacey", the kids lost their shit. My name is Miss Stacey. FML

by seriously! / 03/19/2013 at 1:00am / Australia (New South Wales) / Work