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September 2013

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, I explained to my roommate that if she kept using all of our kitchen utensils as sex toys and hoarding them because of the varying degrees of orgasms she could achieve, we wouldn't be able to cook or eat in our own house. FML

Today, while sitting in a crowded waiting room at the doctor's office, my 5-year-old daughter pointed at my 6-year-old son's crotch and boomed, "MOM, WHY DOES ANDY HAVE A FINGER DOWN THERE?" to which he yelled, "IT'S CALLED A COCK!" FML

#20898150
103 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48856) - you deserved it (6390)

On 09/27/2013 at 4:00pm - kids - by SerenityJ (woman) - United States (California)

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. We are on a cruise together. She has already found another room to sleep in. FML

#20899028
112 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48784) - you deserved it (3182)

On 09/28/2013 at 11:21am - love - by Christian (man) - United States

Today, I woke up, thinking it was going to be a good day. However, when I looked at my phone, I saw that my girlfriend had sent me an obscene number of angry messages, which are still coming in, because I forgot to say goodnight to her last night. FML

#20883830
174 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48755) - you deserved it (7653)

On 09/16/2013 at 3:08pm - love - by Jake - United States (Oregon)

Today, I helped my brother propose to his girlfriend of 5 years in the spot where they had first met. As he delivered his heartfelt speech, a sizable crowd appeared. When he got down on one knee, she punched him in the gut, yelled, "I never loved you", and ran away. Now he won't talk to me. FML

#20887080
165 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48243) - you deserved it (3039)

On 09/18/2013 at 9:45pm - love - by ElizaZee (woman) - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, my girlfriend came over to visit me and my brother at our apartment. I left for just five minutes to fix us lunch. When I got back, she was making out with my brother. FML

#20889155
90 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48124) - you deserved it (3568)

On 09/20/2013 at 5:00pm - love - by Anonymous (man) - Hungary (Szeged)

Today, I texted my girlfriend to tell her that we couldn't hang out because my dog died this morning and we were burying him. She replied that she wasn't going to get stood up by a stupid dog. She then broke up with me. FML

#20892223
153 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48053) - you deserved it (3974)

On 09/22/2013 at 10:24pm - love - by really? (man) - United States

Today, my boyfriend got out of the shower and tried to hit my forehead with his penis. He slipped and slapped me in the eye with it. FML

#20891019
119 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47878) - you deserved it (8946)

On 09/22/2013 at 1:40am - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States (Florida)

Today, my mom found my dad's hidden stash of cigarettes. He told her they were mine and now I have to spend two hours at therapy for my "smoking problem" every weekend. I've never smoked. FML

#20889651
91 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47743) - you deserved it (3202)

On 09/21/2013 at 12:07am - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Mississippi)

Today, my girlfriend made bacon sandwiches for lunch. I didn't want to be rude, but I couldn't help but mention that the bacon smelled and tasted weird. I thought it may have expired. She said not to worry because she used the dry bacon under the counter. Those were dog treats. FML

#20894470
141 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47699) - you deserved it (4281)

On 09/24/2013 at 3:08pm - misc - by Undercooked (man) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I'm a police officer who had the honor of arresting my girlfriend of 3 months for prostitution. All of my coworkers at the station know her and won't stop giving me judging looks. FML

#20869348
103 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47670) - you deserved it (4782)

On 09/05/2013 at 8:29pm - love - by single again - United States (California)

Today, one of my employees called in after his 8-hour shift, explaining that he had bed bugs at home, found one on his shirt, and thinks they are in the store. I own a mattress shop. They'd spread. FML

#20877588
89 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47558) - you deserved it (2624)

On 09/11/2013 at 9:12pm - work - by icanteven - United States (Kentucky)

Today, I texted my girlfriend a long heartfelt loving message for our 2-year anniversary. Her reply was just "K." FML

#20892986
143 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47553) - you deserved it (6171)

On 09/23/2013 at 1:53pm - love - by User (man) - United States (Michigan)



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