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May 2013

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Today, it's my birthday. I worked late, so I was looking forward to spending a quiet evening with my husband. When he suggested we go grocery shopping, I got excited thinking he had organized a surprise party or something. He actually just took me grocery shopping. FML

by Anonymous / 05/07/2013 at 8:48am / Canada (Alberta) / Love

Today, my ex-wife, whom I divorced just 8 months ago, asked me to attend her wedding, because "it would mean a lot" to her. She's marrying the man she cheated on me with. FML

by Anonymous / 05/09/2013 at 12:01pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my boss called me into his office. After yelling and firing me, his assistant comes in telling him he had mistaken me for someone else. He did not give me my job back, as he claimed it would make an awkward work environment. FML

by Paul / 05/01/2013 at 9:52pm / United States / Work

Today, I found out that every time my girlfriend takes a big dump, she pretends as if she's giving birth and screams uncontrollably. I just moved in with her. FML

by poopydaddy / 05/03/2013 at 7:32am / Canada (Ontario) / Health

Today, the couch I bought a week ago was delivered. I don't know which is worse: my son being the one to point out it's been "used", or that he used a black light to prove it. FML

by disappointed dad / 05/19/2013 at 3:35am / United States / Kids

Today, my bag got stolen with all of my belongings at the beach. After being forced to ask strangers for money, I then travelled home on the train for an hour, wearing only a bikini. FML

by Chelsea / 05/18/2013 at 4:57am / Australia (Western Australia) / Transportation

Today, I was told I would not be getting the job I was offered because I failed my drug test. They never gave me a drug test. FML

by Confused / 05/13/2013 at 10:39am / United States (Maine) / Work

Today, my parents decided that since summer is almost here, it's a great opportunity to start having nude barbecues. I found this out after walking out into the backyard, hoping to sun myself a little, only to see the living nightmare that is my parents' naked bodies. FML

by Anonymous / 05/25/2013 at 6:47pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I was going on a blind date with a girl. She walked up to the table, said "Nah, no thanks" and left. FML

by well okay then / 05/20/2013 at 12:02pm / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous

Today, my ex won a writing competition. His story was inspired by our relationship. In it, I'm a serial killing prostitute. FML

by serialkillingex / 05/07/2013 at 3:45am / Netherlands / Love

Today, I brought my girlfriend home for the first time to meet my parents. They were having a heated argument because my mom had bought "the wrong toilet paper" and my dad was angry because "she should know that he has a sensitive anus". FML

by Sonofa / 05/17/2013 at 11:52am / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous

Today, I gave a presentation about how teachers don't intervene enough when students are being bullied. Afterwards, I was practically bullied by my teacher for "not choosing a serious topic." FML

by hopelesscollegechick / 05/07/2013 at 2:14pm / United States (Alabama) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was taking a bus ride home, listening to some music. The music stopped and I assumed my iPod's battery had run out. Turns out someone managed to steal it, leaving my earphones in. I didn't feel a thing. FML

by stupid / 05/27/2013 at 7:16am / Lithuania (Kauno Apskritis) / Transportation