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April 2013

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Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex; I know that some women are great multitaskers, but I'm guessing it was a bad sign when she started to go over the shopping list. FML

by Fml / 04/12/2013 at 1:05am / United States (Massachusetts) / Intimacy

Today, at work, I was screamed at and slapped by a woman for supposedly violating her 2nd Amendment rights. In reality, I'd simply turned her away from the 10 items or less line because she had well over the allowed number of items. I've no fucking idea what's wrong with some people. FML

by fuck you walmart / 04/26/2013 at 6:03pm / United States / Work

Today, I was very worried about my girlfriend of two years. She has recently moved into her apartment, and I hadn't heard from her for four days. Don't worry, though, she's fine. According to her mother's Facebook, she moved in with her old boyfriend. FML

by Anonymous / 04/07/2013 at 12:07am / United States (Virginia) / Love

Today, I finally had the best sex I've ever had with this really hot guy I've been hanging out with lately. I thought everything was all well and good until he turned to me and said, "You know, your orgasm face kinda reminds me of Steve Martin, but in a good way." FML

by LadySteveMartin / 04/01/2013 at 8:18pm / United States (Rhode Island) / Intimacy

Today, after 2 months of my new neighbours' kids throwing rocks at our cars, constantly swearing at us, bullying my siblings in and out of school, and vandalising our property, their mother has convinced the landlord that we're the ones out of control. FML

by neighbour hell / 04/25/2013 at 1:56pm / Norway (Vest-Agder) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had a note to skip P.E. that my grandpa had written because my mom was busy. His handwriting is terrible, so they didn't believe that he'd written it. I'd twisted my ankle and I got to run another mile for "lying". FML

by anonymous / 04/23/2013 at 1:25am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I was driving and a cute guy was staring at me. Flattered, I smiled at him, but he didn't even react. I realized he wasn't admiring me he was admiring my truck. This is the 5th time this week. My truck gets more game than I do. FML

by Anonymous / 04/26/2013 at 10:50am / United States / Transportation

Today, at the store, I noticed a girl eyeing a chocolate bunny. Her mom refused to buy it, saying they didn't have enough money. She started crying, so I decided to make her day and offered to buy it for her. Her mom reacted by slapping me across the face and calling me a "pedo." FML

by easteryegg / 04/05/2013 at 8:13pm / United States (New York) / Kids

Today, my girlfriend's parents were out of town, so I stayed the night, hoping for some fun. Somehow, we started talking about conspiracy theories, and she spent the next half hour ranting at me about how Osama bin Laden is really still alive. FML

by InDisbelief / 04/12/2013 at 4:17pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Intimacy

Today, my husband tried to annoy me by slurping on his almost-finished drink. I yelled at him to knock it off. Later, our daughter told her class that mommy and daddy had been fighting about his drinking during breakfast. FML

by Anonymous / 04/24/2013 at 2:49pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Kids

Today, after years of loaning my mother countless amounts of cash that never get paid back, borrowing $60 from her, and being just one day late paying it off due to food poisoning, she sends a very large man to my door to collect, like she's Tony Soprano. FML

by some people's parents / 04/18/2013 at 12:01am / United States (Colorado) / Money

Today, my Romeo and Juliet style relationship hit an all time low when my boyfriend's parents filed a lawsuit against my parents. FML

by Juliet / 04/11/2013 at 8:40pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, I had a big party planned. All but one of the guests cancelled. See you at 7, mom. FML

by Anonymous / 04/29/2013 at 12:09pm / Netherlands / Miscellaneous