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Today, it was both my and my stepmother's birthday. In preparation, my dad bought a huge banner with my stepmother's name on it, and a lovely birthday cake. When I told him it was also my birthday, he just grunted and taped a post-it note to the banner with my name on it. Same with the cake. FML

by stinkerweeder / 02/05/2011 at 3:30pm / United States (Utah) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was on a flight coming back home. On my right was a fat monk who was snoring very loudly, and on my left there were two old women who were talking about their teenage love lives in detail. The flight was 17 hours long. FML

by ihatelongflights / 08/21/2009 at 12:18pm / United States (New York) / Transportation

Today, I was at dentist to get impressions made. The hygienist put way too much of the plaster stuff on the press. She put it in my mouth and asked if I was okay, I shook my head no and promptly vomited. It sat at the back of my throat and I could not spit it out until the plaster hardened. FML

by gpistas / 05/23/2010 at 2:08am / United States / Health

Today, my boss told me I'm not working hard enough because I take French classes two mornings a week and therefore I won't be getting a promotion. If I want the promotion I have to stop taking my French classes. These are the same French classes I was told I originally needed for the promotion. FML

by French / 05/04/2011 at 1:29pm / Switzerland (Vaud) / Work

Today, I was released from hospital after being in a car accident. I used the phone book to call people I know to get a ride home, as my wallet and cellphone were still in the wrecked car. I had called my mom to come get me, but her response was "I don't feel like it." I live with her. FML

by thanksmom / 06/02/2011 at 5:27am / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous

Today, I managed to get locked inside a caravan toilet. My relatives heard me having a panic attack and instead of unlocking the door, they called the neighbours over to enjoy my anguish and embarrassment. FML

by RhuLynette / 08/31/2011 at 2:34am / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous

Today, my coworker was talking to me about how there's always that one person in a group of friends that everyone secretly dislikes and laughs at. I realized that person is me. FML

by Foreveralone / 04/09/2012 at 1:07am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my dad had a little too much to drink. When he's that drunk, he likes to pepper me with a lot of random questions. He asked if I've ever tried hard drugs, and if I want to die. I answered no to both of the questions, and he demanded to know why not. FML

by yeah why not / 04/06/2013 at 1:06pm / Norway / Miscellaneous

Today, and pretty much every day, my co-worker takes off her shoes while working. The smell of her feet makes me dizzy. I don't know if she's oblivious to the fact that her feet stink, or she just doesn't care. It's affecting the quality of my work. FML

by Anonymous / 03/31/2015 at 1:56am / Asia/Pacific Region / Work

Today, I got trapped in my building's elevator for over an hour, with my dog who I had been rushing outside with because he had explosive diarrhea. FML

by Crappy / 04/11/2015 at 8:12am / Canada (Ontario) / Animals

Today, while on the job as a cop, I was breaking up a loud house party. We were just doing one final check of the house, we walked into the bathroom to find a kid furiously wanking in the bath. This isn't the first time I've seen something like this. FML

by iwantaraise / 10/13/2015 at 9:55pm / Australia / Intimacy

Today, I woke up with a black eye. Why? My husband was having a dream where he was fighting somebody and wound up punching me in the face in his sleep. I had a very important job interview this morning. FML

by DravensMommy / 08/06/2009 at 3:22pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, my mother asked my live-in girlfriend if she's had any problems with me peeing the bed. I haven't wet the bed since I was seven and I'd hoped to take that secret to my grave. FML

by Anonymous / 10/06/2010 at 6:49pm / United States (Michigan) / Health