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Today, I T-boned a woman who pulled out of a parking lot right in front of me. According to her, the accident was my fault because she "didn't see" me. FML

Today, the guy I've been seeing bought me a nice bottle of wine and cooked dinner for me. Later, we started having sex for the first time. All was going well until he ran to the bathroom mid-sex and I had to listen to him with explosive diarrhea. The worst part is, he wanted to keep going after. FML

by westie732 / 09/09/2015 at 10:44pm / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was kissing my crush for the first time and her tooth fell out into my mouth. FML

by drpepperking10 / 07/02/2016 at 7:27pm / United States / Love

Today, I was sitting on the bus when an obese woman with flu came to sit beside me. After snorting hideously for five minutes, she picked up her scarf, blew her nose into it and dropped it. It fell on my lap. When I stood up to leave the bus, there were streaks of snot on my new skirt. FML

by Anonymous / 12/07/2010 at 4:38am / United Kingdom (London) / Health

Today, I was at the bakery I work at. A man came in to pick up a cake he said he ordered, but we could find neither the cake nor the order form. He yelled at me about being 'incompetent' before remembering that he had ordered the cake from a different bakery. FML

by Anonymous / 04/25/2011 at 6:38pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Work

Today, the summer camp I work at had its annual scavenger hunt, wherein the counselors hide and the kids look for us. It was my first year there, so some of my colleagues showed me the "best hiding spot." Two hours later, still undiscovered, I realized they just wanted to get rid of me. FML

by nalathelionqueen / 08/10/2012 at 6:44pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, in basketball practice my coach was putting is in teams to run drills. He points to me and says, "You, go babysit my son by the stage." FML

by nj / 02/10/2009 at 12:41pm / United States (Iowa) / Kids

Today, I spent half an hour on the phone with a woman who was yelling at the top of her lungs, sobbing uncontrollably and hyperventilating. She also told me if she had a heart attack and died from crying, it was all my fault. Why? I told her she needed her receipt to have her T.V. repaired. FML

by customerservicesucks / 05/26/2010 at 12:26am / Canada (Alberta) / Work

Today, I started my new job at a security company. In the first 15 minutes there was a bomb threat. FML

by anon / 11/23/2011 at 5:53pm / Work

Today, the lead singer of the band I recently joined blatantly admitted to a fan that the only reason he let me in was because I'm "so fuckin' ugly" that I make the rest of them look "ten times better" in comparison. FML

by sad drummer / 01/17/2013 at 3:50pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom told me how lucky I was to inherit her "asymptomatic" periods. It's true, I don't get cramps, bloating or mood swings with my periods. Nope, just excruciatingly painful diarrhea. Thanks, mom. FML

by period_probs / 12/15/2014 at 8:23pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boss made me type up my own written warning, where I had to trash myself and describe my own "shocking incompetence". All the department heads are going to receive a copy of this. FML

by ksa / 08/04/2015 at 3:06pm / Poland (Slaskie) / Work

Today, it's been two weeks since I got married. It's also two weeks since my husband got cold feet about moving in together, because he thinks the sudden change would be too emotionally distressing for his cat. FML

by unimpressed bride / 11/22/2015 at 1:10am / United States (Michigan) / Love