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Today, I was sitting on the toilet, pregnant as ever and really sick. I asked my fiancé to bring me a pair of clean underwear. He did so and brought me some lacy underwear. They weren't mine. FML

by Turnipseed3 / 05/03/2012 at 1:00pm / United States / Love

Today, the mall got evacuated while I was getting my hair colored. I am now standing outside of a crowded mall, wearing a showercap. FML

by tylah / 06/23/2012 at 11:11am / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, I finally got to see my boyfriend, after two months apart. As we hugged, he lifted me up and spun me around like in the movies. It would have been really romantic if I hadn't hit a little boy while he was riding past on his bike. I've just traumatized a little kid. FML

by Jessi / 07/24/2012 at 2:33pm / Canada (Ontario) / Kids

Today, my girlfriend decided to get a new haircut. Now, she hates the haircut and blames me for, in her words, "turning me into something I'm not". FML

by Nogood / 03/10/2013 at 5:09am / Australia (New South Wales) / Love

Today, I emotionally confessed to the guy I like. His English isn't that good, so he asked me to repeat it several times. He ended up telling me no. FML

by ForeverAlone / 05/09/2015 at 11:53am / Korea, Republic of (Seoul-t'ukpyolsi) / Love

Today, my mom asked me for advice on how to give a good blow job. I'm a guy. FML

by Ohai / 01/16/2009 at 3:46pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Intimacy

Today, I grabbed a handful of crackers from the kitchen, only to find it crawling with bugs. Apparently, my brother had made the same discovery earlier, but put the box of crackers back in the cupboard anyway. FML

by thanksbro / 09/20/2010 at 3:26pm / United States (Michigan) / Animals

Today, I was presented with a bill for $27,601 by my single, alcoholic, deadbeat father. Why? "For having to raise your goddamn lazy ass." FML

by bigbill / 08/03/2011 at 12:45am / Canada (Alberta) / Money

Today, my parents' divorce was finalized, and my mother decided to publicly celebrate with a bikini wax. She calls it her "Declaration of Independence". FML

by Anonymous / 09/03/2011 at 1:06pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, one of my dad's work friends came over. As he was leaving, he complimented my dad on having three "strapping young boys." I informed him that I'm a girl, and I have a hormone imbalance that causes me to have a lot of hair and a deep voice. I guess my dress didn't give him a clue. FML

by rarara / 10/30/2012 at 5:26pm / United Kingdom (Manchester) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to my insurance company to deal with some paperwork. One of their employees backed into my car before I made it into the building. FML

by Sean / 09/09/2013 at 5:04pm / United States / Money

Today, I called my girlfriend's parent to ask for her hand in marriage. They were shocked and told me that they would have to refuse. Apparently my girlfriend had told them last week that she had met someone new at work and didn't know how to break it off with me. FML

by Anonymous / 09/04/2009 at 3:39am / Korea Republic of (Seoul-t'ukpyolsi) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I learned that my girlfriend gives good head. I didn't find out by getting one, I found out by my drunk best friend telling me. FML

by Anonymous / 09/26/2010 at 7:52pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Intimacy