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Today, for the second time this week, I was asked to stop putting on such an obviously fake "British" accent. I am British and have lived here all my life. FML

by Anonymous / 02/19/2013 at 1:53pm / United Kingdom (Cheshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom asked me for advice on how to give a good blow job. I'm a guy. FML

by Ohai / 01/16/2009 at 3:46pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Intimacy

Today, one of my mum's dinner guests walked in on me and my boyfriend kissing, only to let out a horrified scream. Apparently my mum had introduced my boyfriend as her son, as she is embarrassed of my real brother. FML

by incestastic / 08/14/2010 at 7:23pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, I was having a great time shopping with my gran, until she started complaining about all the foreigners ruining our town, and counting each person who didn't look 100% British. It wouldn't even have been so bad if I wasn't adopted into the family, from Russia. FML

by Foreigner / 08/01/2011 at 11:05am / Jersey / Miscellaneous

Today, I signed the divorce papers my wife gave me. When I went to bed, she was on the phone talking to her new boyfriend. FML

by GeeTwo / 02/21/2012 at 1:45pm / United States / Love

Today, I suddenly started having excruciating pain. My husband took me to the ER, where I waited for three hours in agony to be seen. By the time a doctor got to me, the pain had mostly gone, but it was found to be a kidney stone. I was told, "Next time, don't wait so long." Really? FML

by Orchard / 07/16/2013 at 1:25pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I waited for over an hour in a park for a date who didn't show up. I finally left because someone came up to me and accused me of creeping on their kids. FML

Today, my wife came back from her camping trip with her friends. I decided to help her out by unpacking her stuff while she used the bathroom. It's funny; I never knew that a dildo, a ball gag and an open pack of condoms were considered camping gear. FML

by Anonymous / 06/17/2015 at 10:12am / United States (North Carolina) / Health

Today, I got up at 5 am to bake a surprise birthday cake for my 16-year-old son. I put the cake on the table and went to call my son. "Surprise!" When I came back 30 seconds later, the cake was all gone and the dog was licking his lips. My son won't even believe I made a cake. FML

by Devotedmom / 01/10/2016 at 4:07am / Belgium (Liege) / Animals

Today, I was late for a medical school seminar and test. An SUV flipped over on the highway right in front of me. I held pressure to gushing, lacerated artery until EMS arrived. He lived, but I might have to repeat the whole year because I missed a big test. The test? Emergency response medicine. FML

by doctorchick / 08/11/2009 at 8:58pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, I was called gorgeous for the first time in 4 years. By a robot. A female robot. Who was trying to sell me cosmetics. FML

by gorgeousgirl / 03/12/2010 at 1:36am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was helping an old lady at my job. While I was in mid-sentence, she coughed wet phlegm directly into my mouth. It tasted vile and caused me to have a panic attack while working. FML

by grossedout / 12/08/2010 at 9:26pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, I finally got to see my boyfriend, after two months apart. As we hugged, he lifted me up and spun me around like in the movies. It would have been really romantic if I hadn't hit a little boy while he was riding past on his bike. I've just traumatized a little kid. FML

by Jessi / 07/24/2012 at 2:33pm / Canada (Ontario) / Kids