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Today, I was kicked out of a Family Dollar. My mom thought it would be fun to press all the buttons on the musical ceramic cathedrals so they would all play at the same time. FML

by dearprudence89 / 11/10/2010 at 8:16am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I was sitting next to a lady on an airplane who was very overweight. She fell asleep on me, and violently bled from her nose upon take off and landing. FML

by ifmlftw / 06/22/2011 at 12:03am / United States (Michigan) / Transportation

Today, my mom was freaking out about me handling a CD-ROM with my bare hands. When I asked her what all the commotion was about, she said she was worried that I would catch "one of those computer viruses" she'd heard about on the news. FML

Today, I had fallen asleep in the back of a friend's car on the way home from a night out. When I woke up, they were in the middle of a full-on make out session. I had to pretend to be asleep for 20 minutes until they decided to "wake me up". FML

by mikmak / 12/20/2015 at 8:26am / United States (North Carolina) / Love

Today, my mom asked me for advice on how to give a good blow job. I'm a guy. FML

by Ohai / 01/16/2009 at 3:46pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Intimacy

Today, I scored two prime baseball tickets from a supplier at work. I phoned my dad to tell him the good news. He said that's great, my brother and him would love to see the game. I said, no, I'm taking you to the game. He told me I was being selfish and hung up the phone. FML

by Hank / 05/14/2009 at 10:17am / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was in a mall bathroom when two girls started making out in the stall next to me. Before I could leave, they got really into it and caused our shared wall to tear from its hinges and collapse on top of me. FML

by Anonymous / 09/11/2012 at 3:02am / United States / Intimacy

Today, my brother's home for his annual visit, lectures my parents once about their eating habits. They promptly throw away all of their junk food. I'm there every Sunday, and have been telling them to eat healthier for medical reasons. They never listen. He's in sales, and I'm in med school. FML

by Anonymous / 02/13/2010 at 3:47am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, the guy I like and his friend came home with me to work on a project. I opened my front door and my mum was at the top of the stairs completely naked, bent over, drying her hair with the hairdryer. It took a few moments for her to realise we were there. FML

by Anonymous / 02/13/2013 at 6:47am / United Kingdom (North Ayrshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, a customer at one of my tables left his phone number and a smiley face on the credit card slip. I was completely flattered until I looked at the bottom of the slip and realized that he had left me a $0.26 tip. FML

by appleville / 02/10/2009 at 1:20am / United States (North Dakota) / Love

Today, my mom took me to an AA meeting because she said I needed help. I have never tried alcohol in my life, and told them this. I was then harangued by the "instructor" because apparently one of the signs of alcoholism is denial. FML

by blah / 07/21/2011 at 10:10am / United States / Health

Today, I confronted my wife because I thought the many hours a day she spends at a local coffee shop were so she could smoke. Turns out she's cheating on me. FML

by SouthPaw / 01/14/2015 at 4:48pm / United States (Louisiana) / Love

Today, I had a big figure skating competition. Many of the girls before me fell or did not execute their jumps correctly. Me? I skated a flawless program. I was placed last because they said I didn't push myself hard enough to the point of falling. FML

by depressedskatergirl / 02/06/2015 at 9:35pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous