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Today, at the bank, some poor bastard got brutally dumped in front of everyone, prompting some total spastic behind me to cough and mockingly say "Loser!" The guy thought I'd said it, and started shoving me around and threatening to tear me a new asshole. FML

by I already have one, thanks / 08/09/2014 at 1:59am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, my now ex-boyfriend actually tried to justify his cheating by saying it doesn't count as cheating if the girl's bisexual. FML

by Anonymous / 10/30/2014 at 6:16pm / Israel (Tel Aviv) / Love

Today, while working in a restaurant, I took an elderly man to his table under a red colored lamp. He asked me if this was "the red light district." I thought he was just kidding until when I was placing down the menus he leaned in and whispered creepily in my ear, "You know, you're really sexy." FML

by creepedouthostess / 06/17/2009 at 3:12am / United States (Washington) / Intimacy

Today, my fiancé, his mother, my father and I went out to celebrate my birthday and our recent engagement. After dinner, my father and future mother-in-law revealed to us that they had secretly been dating and were talking about also getting married. Anybody want cake? FML

by BDayssuck / 09/02/2009 at 10:47am / United States (New York) / Love

Today, while my boyfriend and I were cuddling on the couch, he looked down at my chest and said "I can't wait for the day that these produce milk." We've only been dating a few months and I have no intention of lactating anytime soon. FML

by e11ie / 09/27/2009 at 4:57pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Intimacy

Today, I went to my best friend's wedding. All my friends and their boyfriends were seated at one table, while I, as the only single girl in the group, was put on a table with all the other single people. They were all over forty years older than me. I feel like I have seen my future. FML

by singlegirl / 11/27/2009 at 1:16pm / United Kingdom (Warwickshire) / Love

Today, I found out why my roommate and best friend comes home late three nights a week. She goes to get drunk with some guy, then goes back to his house to hook up. Who is this guy? The guy I've been dating for three years. FML

by latenightbite / 03/16/2010 at 7:17pm / United States / Love

Today, after being at summer camp for two weeks, my parents never showed up to take me home. A counselor had to drive me. FML

by Nancy / 07/11/2010 at 7:00pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my boss quit his job and stopped coming in without warning. Guess who just inherited his tasks and responsibilities without the training or pay associated with his manager role. I was hired last year as a junior system admin. FML

by promoted / 12/20/2010 at 12:29am / Australia (Victoria) / Work

Today, my mom was screaming at me and said, "I wish I'd never adopted you." I guess I'm adopted then. FML

by Thebestman123 / 08/04/2011 at 10:45pm / United States (Iowa) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom came home from surgery. Upon arriving home, she flashed a paper in my face and said, "Want to see pictures of my colon?" My eyes are still burning. FML

by emsbuffalo / 01/04/2012 at 1:15am / United States / Health

Today, the couple with three noisy toddlers in the apartment above mine finally moved out. A couple with a non-stop crying newborn moved in. FML

by Username / 02/16/2012 at 6:30pm / United States (Texas) / Kids

Today, I overheard my brother telling his friend that having sex with a girl who's on the pill gives the guy female hormones and "turns you into like, half-chick, half-dude." He was serious. How am I related to this moron? FML

by Anonymous / 10/03/2014 at 4:43pm / United States (Arizona) / Kids