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Today, I found out that, if timed just right, the alarm function on my phone can be disabled by a text message. And my dad has an impeccable sense of timing. I was 20 minutes late for work. FML

by Ishii / 02/07/2010 at 1:58pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Work

Today, my boss fired me for dating a co-worker. There's no policy forbidding it; he just thought it was unfair that I could get with the "hottest girl who works here" but he can't. I live in an at-will employment state. FML

by Anonymous / 07/03/2011 at 12:21pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Work

Today, my mother is so overdramatic that her response to finding out I lost a friend's book was that I should fake my own death rather than fess up. FML

by hylianprincess / 09/25/2014 at 7:19am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my husband got some junk mail. My grandma brought the mail in and let my 5-year-old open it because it was just junk. It turns out it was a catalog from an adult toys shop. FML

by Anonymous / 02/19/2016 at 1:26pm / United States (Florida) / Intimacy

Today, my best guy friend set me up on a blind date. Almost immediately after the guy and I sat down, he excused himself to make a call. A couple of feet away from our table, I heard him say, "Come on, Justin, this is the best you could do??" Over the phone. Justin is the guy who set us up. FML

by blind_loser / 07/11/2009 at 9:19pm / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, I was getting ready to go to a surprise party I'd planned for my best friend. All was going well on the discretion part until I logged onto Facebook. I saw that my sister had set her status to, "At Natalie's surprise party! BBL!" Natalie had liked it. FML

by surprise / 12/11/2009 at 4:04pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend tried to convince me that she never takes dumps. I told her that as long as she eats, it's a biological impossibility, but she seems to have genuinely deluded herself into thinking it's true, purely because she is a girl. FML

by Anonymous / 08/01/2012 at 8:56pm / United Kingdom (Cambridgeshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, my roommate let out a blood-curdling scream in the bathroom. I ran in to see what was going on, only to find her sitting on the toilet, topless. Turned out she'd tried to pierce her own tit using a clothespin and a needle. FML

by Anonymous / 02/15/2015 at 12:57pm / Denmark / Miscellaneous

Today, my married life pretty much consists of punching myself in the penis until my libido goes down, since my wife has physical ailments that prevent her from even wanting to have sex. FML

by scoobysnarks / 09/24/2015 at 7:49am / United States (North Carolina) / Intimacy

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I asked my boss a simple question about a problem I was having with a project I am currently doing. He replied: ''You don't worry your sweet little ass about it babe". My boss is my girlfriend's father. Nice. FML

by GiWi / 11/18/2009 at 11:45am / Ireland (Cork) / Work

Today, it's been a full week since my last orthodontist appointment and I still can't eat anything besides Slimfast and pudding. FML

by Anonymous / 01/09/2011 at 1:25pm / United States (Ohio) / Health

Today, after having watched a scare story on the news about heart disease, my mom is now insisting that we have daily, hour-long, family yoga sessions together. I have a job, and barely have enough time to do my homework as it is. I'm going to be grounded if I don't take part. FML

by marie519 / 01/08/2012 at 7:59pm / United States (Mississippi) / Health

Today, working as a cashier, I had a customer come through and ask to purchase a bag of ice. I asked, "Eight pound or twenty pound?", referring to the clearly marked weight of the bags. He replied, "What's the difference?" FML

by Anonymous / 11/12/2013 at 6:56pm / United States (Maryland) / Work