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Today, the last thing I remember before getting the shit beaten out of me at the bar, was my dipshit brother saying to me, "Dude, I'm not a racist, but" and then ranting about how non-whites should get out of America. FML

by Anonymous / 04/03/2015 at 11:29pm / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, I walked into the kitchen and saw a note my roomate posted. As I got close to read it I was attacked by a very pissed off cat. The note said "Left window open last night, stray cat got in. Watch out he isn't friendly." FML

by Catscratch / 09/01/2009 at 2:51pm / United States (California) / Animals

Today, I took a nap because I've been sick for the past week and I was exhausted. When I woke up, my hair, shirt, pillow, and bedsheets were soaked. I threw up all over myself in my sleep. FML

by Anonymous / 12/05/2010 at 1:25pm / Singapore / Health

Today, it's my sixteenth birthday. The only gift I got was a bill from my parents. Apparently, the rent is due on the 1st. FML

by Dopeboyfresh71 / 12/18/2010 at 8:02pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, someone caused over $400 worth of damage by breaking into my car, just to steal $8 worth of beer. FML

by Anonymous / 02/28/2012 at 2:41pm / United States (Washington) / Money

Today, I found my husband's journal, and along with it the real reason he took so long to show up to our wedding rehearsals last year. According to the journal, it was because he was too busy wooing a married mother of five and sticking his "slut-banger all up in that fat booty." FML

by divorce? i think so / 07/20/2012 at 10:12pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, the battery cables on my car came loose, thus resetting my car's electronics to factory settings. The anti-theft system is now turned on, and I can't start my car with it on. Luckily, it turns off with a remote. The remote broke about six months ago. FML

Today, I got home from work a little late due to bad traffic. My wife kissed me, then flew into a rage and swore that I had the taste of penis on my lips, accusing me of cheating on her with a guy. Apparently she got this insane "test your man" idea from some Cosmo-type magazine. FML

by Anonymous / 08/30/2013 at 12:14pm / United States (Washington) / Love

Today, my manager rejected my leave application for Christmas. Later I found out that I'm going to be the only employee working at the office during Christmas. FML

by homerr123 / 12/23/2013 at 12:35pm / India (Maharashtra) / Work

Today, while working at McDonald's, a guy asked me to deep fry his salad. FML

by spicybasement / 03/17/2015 at 11:38am / Canada (Alberta) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, after working for my company for 10 years, my co-workers threw me a farewell party. The boss gave quite an eloquent speech, ending in "we're really gonna miss you Mark." My name is Evan. FML

by Grrrrr / 02/28/2009 at 7:50pm / United States (Virginia) / Work

Today, while going for a run in my neighbourhood I was hit by a car not once, but twice. The second car, closely following the first, stopped and then drove forward to see if I was all right. FML

by OUCH / 05/19/2009 at 1:17am / Canada (Ontario) / Transportation

Today, my wife told me she wanted a divorce. She also confessed that she has been cheating on me with my best friend for 10 years. I appreciated the honesty, but was slightly upset considering we have only been married for 9 years. FML

by allocomrade / 07/29/2009 at 4:23pm / United States (New York) / Work